Critty Joy

The Back and Forth.

Last week I listed my struggles in my journal.

Every single one I could think of I wrote it down.

It's a bit hard to see a list of things that seem impossible to overcome.

Yet...I needed to write them down...and then lay them down.

I am terrible at laying things down before Him.  

My struggles usually are head vs. heart...or the hope and despair kind.

My head and heart struggles are no a given day... my worth, my weight, negative thoughts, fear, trust....

The hope and despair are often of the waiting in so many areas,  being alone vs loneliness, fear, trust....

Some days as I prepare for bed I wonder why I am so exhausted and realize at times it is because of fighting so hard.

This year, my year of dare, is also about daring to trust Him in all things.

While I am working on it I still try most days to do it in my own strength.

Never has that been more apparent that this last week as I try to wait patiently to see if I got this job I want so badly.

Morning time would be praying and giving it over to Him....

by 2 p.m. I would have take the problem back and wrestle between hope that I would get it but telling myself all the positive things about the interview and my skills...and the despair in telling myself I had to be kidding there was no way I would get it...by tearing myself down and assuming the worst.

Then later in the quiet I would lay it back down at His feet....

The back and forth.

It's exhausting.

And I must decide to fully trust or continue to be exhausted and weary.

I feel such peace when I lay things down before Him... yet I like control and want to control (okay I want the illusion of control) in my life.

It's funny how one little revelation snowballs until you see before you that most of your struggles originate from one place...

and that that thing you thought you had a come a long way in...that trust thing... is still a big work in progress.

As for the waiting thing... my friend, Amanda, tweeted this verse and it's my Word to cling to this week.

Yes.  This waiting is hard. And maybe I need a perspective shift as to what I am waiting on and for.  Something I will be thinking about and praying on this week.

And my list of struggles....I will see them in my journal often and remember that I am laying them down because I trust Him.  Because He knows me better than even I know myself.

I am going to work on that being enough.

 

What Word are you clinging too this week?

 

P.S.  Thank you SO much for your kind words on my new endeavor, Delighted Designs.  Also if you are interested in guesting during my series on prayer please email me!  I would adore you visiting my internet home with your words.  <3

Terrified Excitement and Prayer.

First, I just want to say thank you so much for your kind words through comments and emails last week as I shared my story.   You encouraged my heart so and made me feel loved.  <3

So now you know I am choosing hope.

In many ways that means choosing to trust Him.  No matter what.

It's been hard because of many things but mostly because of not being able to find a job.

I have been looking for a part time job to help me out until I can find a full time job.

I have applied to most every where local to no avail.

At the same time I have put a great deal of work into applying for jobs as a residence director at a college.  College students are some of my favorite people and I feel like I could really do well in the position.

Alas... most of the doors are shutting there.

At times it's hard, this not knowing what I want to do...what is that next step.

Last weekend we had a small family get together with some family...and a chance to catch up and say goodbye to my cousin Jenn and her husband Chris.  (They left for Africa again yesterday on a trip with their non-profit Retouch.  You should definitely check out their awesome ministry!)  

While we chatted they mentioned teaching English in Asia.

My Aunt Kim was like you should do it.

I thought for a few moments and the conversation moved on.

I spent a great deal of last week thinking about it and praying about it.

Doing some research I found that South Korea is one of the best places to teach for a year (or more).  The research fascinated me and I found myself reading all I could about Korea.  

I decided to take a step of faith.

I applied to a recruiter to teach English in South Korea.

Here is what I think....

A step of faith is just that, a step.  It's saying you know what.... I am going to take a risk and see what happens.

So you take that step.... and you seek His Face.

I have no idea what will happen in the coming weeks and months...if I will get a job here, or in another city (I applied to jobs in several different cities!), or even another country.  

However I trust that He is going to guide my steps and open doors and close doors and I am going to see the path He has laid before me the very moment He wants me to see it.

I am terrified.

I am excited!

Ahh...terrified excitement.  It's such a fun place to be.

A place that I trust is fully HIM.

Following Him is not meant to be easy...it's messy and dirty and terrifying.  He asks for hard things.  His timing is different from mine.  

Yet at the same time knowing He is going to lead me on the adventure of a lifetime....just because I am is and He is mine...is exciting and so much more than I can imagine.

Over the next few months I would covet your prayers.  That I would continue to seek His face and that I would trust Him and know He has a plan...and that my footsteps would follow His.

And now...it's your turn.

I would adore praying for YOU.

So today... How can I pray for you?

You can leave a comment here or email me (crittyjoyblog at gmail dot com) if it's something you don't want to share in a comment.

I am going to set time aside this week to carry you to His throne and lay you at His feet and let Him love on you as only He can.

 

Investing Your Heart.

Last night I attended Crosspoint's online service.  It is seriously one of my favorite things.  Last night was about Greed and Giving....

at one point Pete Wilson (the pastor) said this:

 

 

What matters to your heart, you build into your lives.

This got me big time.  It reminded me of a song (of course) called Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons.... the same lines that came to mind last night actually were the inspiration for a post a few weeks ago. And tonight the post resonated within my heart deeply as I thought to what I wrote then and what happened last night.

As I listened to the message I realized how much of our relationship with God is about trusting.  

And therein lies a problem for me because I don't do trust well.

I can let you in but only to a certain point.  

There are very few people I let go past that point.  Some family... and a few very dear heart friends.

I don't think I often allow God past that point either.

I am sure I could come up with several reasons.

Last night for the first time...it bothered me... this big lack of trust in Him.

Looking back over the last year I have trusted Him in some big things.  But fully trusting Him in everything.  I cannot honestly say that I have done that.  I mean I think in the past I thought I have.  And even proclaimed it at times.

I was wrecked...in those moments of realization I felt like my heart had been ripped open and exposed for Him to see.... 

my heart screaming I don't trust you.  

I know He has seen my heart all along and knows I have trust issues...and why I have them.  It was time for Him to show me, really show me, that this is holding me back.  

Holding me back from the more I so desperately want.

Sometime inside of me finally awoke and it is time to start letting Him restore these areas.

Because I want more.

I want a solid heart.

I want a heart I can build my life with.  A heart strengthened in the knowledge that I trust Him.  That I know Him.  That He knows me.  

I want to have a heart invested in beautiful things.  Him.  Others.  Being a steward.  Being a voice for the voiceless.  Love.  Joy.  Hope.  

It matters to my heart.  This trust thing.  I want to build it into my life.  I want to invest my heart into trusting Him.

The more within me grows....He knows.   My year of daring is going to include a whole lot of trusting.  

 

Have you had a moment that just wrecked you lately?

 

Please feel free to use the image above for a desktop wallpaper...I created it so I would remember to trust Him this week...it matters to my heart. :)

Joining in with the SDG sisters at Jen's.

The Question Marks Over My Head.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and was telling her how I was having a hard time adjusting to this chapter in my life.  She shared something and then said she felt like she had questions marks all around her head.  I immediately pictured myself as a cartoon with question marks over my head and realized how accurate that picture is right now of my life.

I am full of questions...in my heart mostly. 

Unfortunately the more I read Desire and do the workbook...the more questions seem to pop up.

It's a very weird and unsettling place to be.

I am realizing how much I thought I was in control.  

HA!

It's funny to me now to know I thought I was in complete control of my life.

What a lie I was telling myself.

Control is such a false illusion.  

Of course it leads to more of those question marks over my head.

Part of me wants each of these question answered...and the sooner the better.  

My schedule. My time. Control.

As I sat Thursday night in my comfy chair pencil in hand, journal open ready to scribble some of these questions on paper and work on answering them....

It occured to me maybe some of the questions are there to remind me I am not in control and my timing? Not the same as His.  My answers?  Not the same as His.

Faith and Trust.

The two very things He is teaching me about in this chapter of my story.

Faith in Him that His timing is perfect and there is another step right under my foot as I move forward.

Trust that His plans are the best plans and the His love is constant.

He wants me to be okay with the unanswered questions because He already knows the answers.

I just have to trust Him.  

So the question marks remain... and I sit in the quiet...

and Trust.

 

Have a lovely weekend dear ones.

Psst....I am going to share an original writing on Monday.