Critty Joy

Back to Reality...

Well technically....day 2.  ;)

 

Hello!

I hope you had a most delightful holiday season!

Sigh.  Tomorrow it is back to work for me.  I have been off work since December 22. It's a perk of working in higher education!  I would tell you all the glorious things I did while at home but alas I spent most of my time off in bed with the crud.  Given to me by the husband.  I did get to snuggle with my cat so that was the upside to things.  I also may have watched way too many Hallmark Christmas movies! I slept most of Christmas day which is sad for me...but I did manage to feel better in time for New Years Eve...although we stayed in our pajamas all day and watched things like NCIS LA and Chrisley Knows Best.  We know how to party I tell you.

I have been doing little things like working on my book list for this year, trying to figure out my one word, and making a list of topics to blog about so I can be more proactive with writing this year.

I must admit to feeling a little off on this second day of 2017.  By now I usually know my goals, have my word, and planning how to meet them.  I think part of the reason is because I have set goals the last few years and did not succeed.  So no big goals this year.  Just my one word, the reading challenges, and writing. 

Last year was hard.  HARD.  I was not sad to see it go but with that I think I am looking to take small steps into this new year.  I'm slightly afraid of what it will hold but also I have hope that good things will come.  Some years are bitter.  Some years are sweet.  And some are bitterly sweet.  I am still having some trouble accepting some of the bitter from last year. I will be working on letting it go this week as I do not want last year to overshadow this year.  Simple things that bring delight to my heart is how I am going to work on this.  Of course that might have to wait until next week as the next few days will be crazy as we gear up to start a new semester!

There is an unsettledness in my heart.  Anxiety had made for a few sleepless nights and I feel a stirring.  I have these hopes and dreams I buried a long time ago that keep surfacing and I am not sure what that looks like.  Have you ever had those times of unsettledness?  I feel quiet but not because I don't want to say anything...more because I just don't know yet what the stirring is.  It's an uncomfortable place but I have found in the last few years those uncomfortable places are where He often meets me.  I have prayed hard over the last few days for clarity and wisdom.  I am thankful He knows what is stirring and that he will reveal it in time.  I can be a bit impatient...so I'll just be praying and biting my fingernails off.

Oh I kid about the fingernails. 

I hope.

Thankfully we are on page two of a brand new book.  A new story is just waiting to be written.  I may be unsettled and uncomfortable but at least I know who my co-author is and He is pretty darn trust-worthy!

How was your holiday dear ones and how is the start of your new year?

 

An Angry Silence.

Confession:  I haven't talked to God in a week.

Well unless I count those many, many journal pages of scribbled writing full of some many emotions.

It didn't start intentionally but it's what I do when I am angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused.

My heart was so full of questions I felt as if nothing else could fit.

I withdrew.  (and yes...I also avoid at times.)

I retreated into myself and became quiet.

It's one reason why the blog has been quiet.

I'm going to be honest and say I don't feel bad about not talking to God.

It's how I needed to deal with things for a while.

Here is what I do know. 

If I cannot be my true self with God I cannot be my true self with anyone else in my life.

To be angry at Him....is okay.

To not talk to Him a few days to get a few things straight within myself.... is okay.

I have to be willing to let Him work and I wasn't there yet.

I needed the silence.

I had to have to time to sort out how I was really feeling and not what I should have been feeling.

God wants us to trust Him.

That means complete and utter honesty in all things.

Even in angry silence.

Even more amazing....He. Understands.

He knows my need for silence and time to myself.

I think He even understands our pity parties at times.

It's how we process... it's how we feel those emotions we need to feel...and then we get to move forward.

I am learning...truly learning... God accepts us just as we are.  He accepts that angry silence for a few days to give us a chance to withdraw and just be...well...emotional.

For so long I have let my relationship with God be what others told me it would be.

This angry silence is a freedom for me.

A freedom in trusting that He accepts every single part of me.... even the part of me that is angry at Him and needed to be quiet...just for a bit.

The silence was broken in the beauty of a drive on a curvy road in silence and with the quiet whispers of my heart.  I didn't say much but my heart is open.

The questions remain.  So does the hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion.  My heart feels very messy and very raw.

However...my heart is also ready for what He has planned because I trust Him and His love.

And that's enough.

 

Joining Jen and the SDG sisters today.