Critty Joy

Back to Reality...

Well technically....day 2.  ;)

 

Hello!

I hope you had a most delightful holiday season!

Sigh.  Tomorrow it is back to work for me.  I have been off work since December 22. It's a perk of working in higher education!  I would tell you all the glorious things I did while at home but alas I spent most of my time off in bed with the crud.  Given to me by the husband.  I did get to snuggle with my cat so that was the upside to things.  I also may have watched way too many Hallmark Christmas movies! I slept most of Christmas day which is sad for me...but I did manage to feel better in time for New Years Eve...although we stayed in our pajamas all day and watched things like NCIS LA and Chrisley Knows Best.  We know how to party I tell you.

I have been doing little things like working on my book list for this year, trying to figure out my one word, and making a list of topics to blog about so I can be more proactive with writing this year.

I must admit to feeling a little off on this second day of 2017.  By now I usually know my goals, have my word, and planning how to meet them.  I think part of the reason is because I have set goals the last few years and did not succeed.  So no big goals this year.  Just my one word, the reading challenges, and writing. 

Last year was hard.  HARD.  I was not sad to see it go but with that I think I am looking to take small steps into this new year.  I'm slightly afraid of what it will hold but also I have hope that good things will come.  Some years are bitter.  Some years are sweet.  And some are bitterly sweet.  I am still having some trouble accepting some of the bitter from last year. I will be working on letting it go this week as I do not want last year to overshadow this year.  Simple things that bring delight to my heart is how I am going to work on this.  Of course that might have to wait until next week as the next few days will be crazy as we gear up to start a new semester!

There is an unsettledness in my heart.  Anxiety had made for a few sleepless nights and I feel a stirring.  I have these hopes and dreams I buried a long time ago that keep surfacing and I am not sure what that looks like.  Have you ever had those times of unsettledness?  I feel quiet but not because I don't want to say anything...more because I just don't know yet what the stirring is.  It's an uncomfortable place but I have found in the last few years those uncomfortable places are where He often meets me.  I have prayed hard over the last few days for clarity and wisdom.  I am thankful He knows what is stirring and that he will reveal it in time.  I can be a bit impatient...so I'll just be praying and biting my fingernails off.

Oh I kid about the fingernails. 

I hope.

Thankfully we are on page two of a brand new book.  A new story is just waiting to be written.  I may be unsettled and uncomfortable but at least I know who my co-author is and He is pretty darn trust-worthy!

How was your holiday dear ones and how is the start of your new year?

 

Empty Waiting Filled.

 

Last week I shared about some of my fears.

It's something I have been pondering on a great deal.  

Fear seems to really get to me in chapters of waiting.

I have been in a chapter of waiting for a while.

Honestly?  It is NOT my favorite chapter of my story.

As I have thought about waiting this week it occurred to me that there is an emptiness in waiting.  

I don't know about you but I look for things to fill that emptiness in any way I possibly can.

When really, the one thing I need to fill it with is the last thing I do.

To fill my emptiness....

I tend to avoid silence (which I happen to adore!) during my times of waiting.

I fret and get fearful and constantly take those things to someone else...not Him.

I get busy in the lives of others.  I spend lots more time away from home. (This whole introver thing is a fine line peaches...a very fine line when it comes to hard stuff!)

I push my own plans.  I want to move?  I start switching things and changing things and going down paths I know are not meant for me because I want to do something.  Anything.

I watch television show after television show.  Movie after movie.  Lately I even listen to music while I am reading before bed....which I have never done.  (that silence and a good story?  Divine.)

I think of Him, sure.  However I do not fill my emptiness with Him.

In the waiting there can be a great deal of solitude and quiet.

It can feel like emptiness.

But it's not really.

It's to be filled.

With Him.

With His words.  From The Word and from listening and praying.

With actions.  Little steps forward.  Things you know will make a difference when He reveals His plans to you.  

Journaling.  I avoid my journal when waiting because I tend to be...well...whiny.  It is a great tool to get your feelings out and also to work through things.  Privately....and with Him.  

Passive waiting is empty.

Active waiting is full.

Passive waiting is hard yet un-fulfilling.

Active waiting is hard yet fulfilling.  

To me waiting is like the end of winter.  You know it is here.  You see the dreary blankness but know that more is coming.... and then suddenly there are signs that more is on it's way.  Budding trees and flowers.  Longer days full of sunshine.  Gently breezes and rain showers the smell of freshness.

Spring is coming... winter does not last forever.

And thankfully?  

Waiting does not last forever either.

 

 

Linking up with Jen and the SDG sisterhood.  

Investing Your Heart.

Last night I attended Crosspoint's online service.  It is seriously one of my favorite things.  Last night was about Greed and Giving....

at one point Pete Wilson (the pastor) said this:

 

 

What matters to your heart, you build into your lives.

This got me big time.  It reminded me of a song (of course) called Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons.... the same lines that came to mind last night actually were the inspiration for a post a few weeks ago. And tonight the post resonated within my heart deeply as I thought to what I wrote then and what happened last night.

As I listened to the message I realized how much of our relationship with God is about trusting.  

And therein lies a problem for me because I don't do trust well.

I can let you in but only to a certain point.  

There are very few people I let go past that point.  Some family... and a few very dear heart friends.

I don't think I often allow God past that point either.

I am sure I could come up with several reasons.

Last night for the first time...it bothered me... this big lack of trust in Him.

Looking back over the last year I have trusted Him in some big things.  But fully trusting Him in everything.  I cannot honestly say that I have done that.  I mean I think in the past I thought I have.  And even proclaimed it at times.

I was wrecked...in those moments of realization I felt like my heart had been ripped open and exposed for Him to see.... 

my heart screaming I don't trust you.  

I know He has seen my heart all along and knows I have trust issues...and why I have them.  It was time for Him to show me, really show me, that this is holding me back.  

Holding me back from the more I so desperately want.

Sometime inside of me finally awoke and it is time to start letting Him restore these areas.

Because I want more.

I want a solid heart.

I want a heart I can build my life with.  A heart strengthened in the knowledge that I trust Him.  That I know Him.  That He knows me.  

I want to have a heart invested in beautiful things.  Him.  Others.  Being a steward.  Being a voice for the voiceless.  Love.  Joy.  Hope.  

It matters to my heart.  This trust thing.  I want to build it into my life.  I want to invest my heart into trusting Him.

The more within me grows....He knows.   My year of daring is going to include a whole lot of trusting.  

 

Have you had a moment that just wrecked you lately?

 

Please feel free to use the image above for a desktop wallpaper...I created it so I would remember to trust Him this week...it matters to my heart. :)

Joining in with the SDG sisters at Jen's.

Are You Letting Your Fear Be Bigger Than Your God?

I do a lot of thinking while I am driving.

It's usually just me and so I will turn off the radio and depending on what has happened that day...or when God is really teaching me something... I will process through things in my car.

As I was driving I was thinking about last week.  I spent a great deal of time in Isaiah.  Especially chapter 53.

I kept thinking about one verse in particular.

He was despised and rejected by men. (the beginning of verse 3.)

Jesus.

Rejected?

My greatest fear.

He lived it.

My fear of rejection is not actually rejection.

I am just afraid it will become that.

So I don't even try or I keep things (great things like Exemplify) I am doing to myself.

Our Jesus was rejected. That rejection eventually lead to His death.

I think the biggest thing that sticks out to me is His obedience after the rejection. 

Jesus could have thrown His hands up and said forget this.  It's just not worth it.  They are not worth it.

Yet He didn't.  He did as His Father asked.  He was obedient.  Even though He knew where the path was going...He chose to move forward.  He chose obedience to His Father over His fear of rejection.  Jesus was part man.  I think the rejection bothered Him.  I think about the garden and His time of prayer before the betrayal.  In the garden of Gethsemane we see a very human Jesus.  A Jesus just like us.  The begging of taking the cup from Him.  He cried out...as we often do.  The only difference is when I cry out...it stops there.  I let my fear overcome me and I stop.  Jesus didn't.  He chose to move past the fear, the grief, the agitation.  He knew what He had to do.

How many times do I know what I must do yet I don't because I am scared.  Scared someone will think badly of me.  Scared they will laugh at me or think I am odd.

Reject me.

God has given me my ministry.  He has given me a calling and a passion in many things.

Am I being obedient if I don't do those things for fear of rejection?

A bigger question is....if I don't do those things out of fear........how am I using my God given calling and passions to glorify Him?  He is the one that placed them in my heart when He created me.  

I realized on that drive yesterday that I was letting my fear of what others think about me be bigger than my God.

I was putting Him into a box and letting my fear control me.  Control my entire life and even more...I was letting it control my relationship with God.

My questions for you today Peaches is this...Are you putting God in a box?  Are you letting your fear be bigger than your God?

More thoughts to come next week!

 
 

Things I have Learned this Week...

--Your Heart can be broken more than once in a day.

--Working in the ministry is one of the hardest jobs...ever.

--I am a Christmas music affection-ado.  (I have no idea what that means but I am pretty sure it's true.)

--Meeting new bloggy friends tops my list of most fun things ever.

--Getting into the Spirit of Christmas is harder this year than ever before. (although my love for Christmas music remains the same!)

--Twitter conversations are fun (I had forgotten that.)

--Reconnecting with friends will always delight my heart.

-- Cheesy Christmas movies are one of my favorite things...but leads to the question would I love them as much if they were on all year long?!?

-- I lose one of my gloves every year....it's no use getting attached to a pair.

--  It's amazing how much Bean (my niece of nephew) can grow in 4 weeks...

--  A wise friend tweeted this Monday night and I cannot help but agree "we don't need another women's ministry event telling us, 'you're beautiful, here's a cupcake."  I wish I knew how to change things....

-- Amazon's $5 mp3 albums make me happy.

--Switchfoot's Hello Hurricane and David Crowder Band's Church Music keep making their way back into my playlist.  This week I have been really listening to the lyrics...deep and thoughtful.

-- Christmas apps for my iphone for the doctor's office can be fun.

-- I should not watch shows such as Find My Family...emotional mess would be the best way to describe me during and after the episode I watched.

Have you learned anything this week?