Critty Joy

One Word 2017

Hello Lovelies!

It’s been a busy two weeks!  I started back to work, the RAs came back and we had training, the students moved back in and it’s been very busy.  Thankfully after this week things will slow down to a somewhat normal pace for higher ed.  At least I can say my job is never boring!

During this time I have been waiting for my one word for 2017.  I was honestly getting disappointed and discouraged that a word had not come. I have had a word for my year since 2009: journey, hope, freedom, dare, embrace, grace, wholehearted, bloom…. Each has significantly shaped my life and my story.  To not have a word this year was disheartening but I knew God must be doing something…

One night I was catching up on some blogs and read Sarah Bessey’s blog about her word.  She mentioned her words in the past and one stuck out in particular so I clicked on the link and proceeded to cry through the whole post because it spoke to my heart so…and then I knew my word….or rather words…

Hebrews 10:23 says… Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. (NRSV)

Hope has long been something I cling to.  And the last 9 months have been so hard and I have tried to hold onto hope.

As I read Sarah’s post I ugly cried because it was right where I was at.

Discouraged.

Desperate.

Overwhelmed.

Lost.

After I read the verse it hit me…even in the midst of the hard parts of life…He is faithful.  Always.

I needed to keep holding…but more than that hold fast to my confession of hope.  Hold fast to my knowledge that He is faithful.

Sarah went on to say this:

“He is faithful. Hold fast to hope.

Hold fast is an old sailing term, too – tying knots that hold tightly for instance. It means to remain steadfast and immovable, to cling to and adhere, to attach. For the sake of survival and safe passage to the new land, we hold fast … to hope.”

By definition hold fast means: remain tightly secure; continue to believe in or adhere to an idea or principle.

Right now things are hard.  Some I can’t mention yet and we also received really hard news this week we are still processing.  I am tired.  I am discouraged.

But I am holding fast.

To hope.

To belief in who He is.

To knowledge He is faithful.

To the love He has for me.

So let me encourage you if you too are struggling… disheartened…discouraged.

Hold Fast.

Do you have a word for this year dear ones?  I would love to hear all about it!

 

(PS...I have some fun news to share in my next post!)

Back to Reality...

Well technically....day 2.  ;)

 

Hello!

I hope you had a most delightful holiday season!

Sigh.  Tomorrow it is back to work for me.  I have been off work since December 22. It's a perk of working in higher education!  I would tell you all the glorious things I did while at home but alas I spent most of my time off in bed with the crud.  Given to me by the husband.  I did get to snuggle with my cat so that was the upside to things.  I also may have watched way too many Hallmark Christmas movies! I slept most of Christmas day which is sad for me...but I did manage to feel better in time for New Years Eve...although we stayed in our pajamas all day and watched things like NCIS LA and Chrisley Knows Best.  We know how to party I tell you.

I have been doing little things like working on my book list for this year, trying to figure out my one word, and making a list of topics to blog about so I can be more proactive with writing this year.

I must admit to feeling a little off on this second day of 2017.  By now I usually know my goals, have my word, and planning how to meet them.  I think part of the reason is because I have set goals the last few years and did not succeed.  So no big goals this year.  Just my one word, the reading challenges, and writing. 

Last year was hard.  HARD.  I was not sad to see it go but with that I think I am looking to take small steps into this new year.  I'm slightly afraid of what it will hold but also I have hope that good things will come.  Some years are bitter.  Some years are sweet.  And some are bitterly sweet.  I am still having some trouble accepting some of the bitter from last year. I will be working on letting it go this week as I do not want last year to overshadow this year.  Simple things that bring delight to my heart is how I am going to work on this.  Of course that might have to wait until next week as the next few days will be crazy as we gear up to start a new semester!

There is an unsettledness in my heart.  Anxiety had made for a few sleepless nights and I feel a stirring.  I have these hopes and dreams I buried a long time ago that keep surfacing and I am not sure what that looks like.  Have you ever had those times of unsettledness?  I feel quiet but not because I don't want to say anything...more because I just don't know yet what the stirring is.  It's an uncomfortable place but I have found in the last few years those uncomfortable places are where He often meets me.  I have prayed hard over the last few days for clarity and wisdom.  I am thankful He knows what is stirring and that he will reveal it in time.  I can be a bit impatient...so I'll just be praying and biting my fingernails off.

Oh I kid about the fingernails. 

I hope.

Thankfully we are on page two of a brand new book.  A new story is just waiting to be written.  I may be unsettled and uncomfortable but at least I know who my co-author is and He is pretty darn trust-worthy!

How was your holiday dear ones and how is the start of your new year?

 

5 Years.

Saturday August, 17, 2012 marked my 5th year of blogging anniversary/birthday.

5 years.

Wow.

 

It's been an amazing journey.

Funny how what started out as a creative outlet has turned into so much more.  

My first post was just a short welcome.....and my very first real post was a mumbling of life at the time.

A lot has happened in the last 5 years...

I became an aunt.

I lost one of the most beautiful people in my life.

I shed my secure, safe, job.

I wrote a 31 day blog series! (and I am doing it again... I must be crazy!)

I wrote a post for (in) courage and it's still a favorite.

I shared my story.  It was freeing.

I opened Delighted Designs and had my very first client!

I shared lots of favorite things and things I ♥!

I've gotten creative with my many quotables.

I have had years of journey and the confirmation He gave me...twice.  A year of hope and one of freedom and the reflections of spending a year focusing on it. And now a year of Dare!

I shared my favorite posts from 2009 and 2010 ...and wrote of a decade of life gone by.

 

I have changed. So very much.

Became confident.  Let go of many things.

Shared my heart.

Laughed and cried.

Learned to grab hold of adventure and live a great story.

Even on the hard days I am so reminded of how beautiful life is.  This blog has captured my life in an unexpected way and to be able to look back and see what He has done...has been a gift I never expected.

 

And then there is YOU.  One of the most amazing aspects of this journey with CJB has been meeting some of the most beautiful people I know.  You.  The ones who come here and encourage me...the ones who email me with their story or comment on my FB page...the ones who make me laugh on twitter.  

Some of my dearest friends came out of this blogging thing.  :)

You are a gift that came through this little ole blog and I could not be more grateful.

Thank you.  For reading my words and encouraging my heart... and for walking along side me.

You make my life richer by being in it.

I never would have guessed that August day in 2007 that this internet home would become so much more than I could dream.

I so look forward to journeying together in the coming years.  :)

 

Much love,

 

Reality and The Sea.

Hello Lovelies!

First... prepare for randomness.  ;)

So.  It's back to reality this week.  I must admit my heart is very much missing the beach.  I think if I could live there I would.  There is something wonderfully peaceful about it.  The mountains are beautiful but the beach will always have my heart.  :)

The last few days of vacation were lovely.

I did catch the sunrise our last full day there....

I was also able to have dinner with my sweet friend Alison.  It's so fun to meet your internet friends and they become real life friends.  

And then I had the best dessert ever.  French macarons.

And here we are back to reality and lots of job searching and trying to figure things out.

I usually am ready to come home after vacation but this time I feel like I left a part of my heart at the sea.  I posted this quote on FB, "The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.” --Isak Dinesen.  I found it especially true as I often sat at the ocean staring out into it's vastness, just taking it in.  I think that is why I feel as if a part of my heart is still there because for the first time in a long time my heart was peaceful and quiet.  Just enjoying the moments and soaking in the beauty.

Maybe part of me wants to be at the beach because it isn't reality.  It's easy to forget how hard life is right now.  No job searching.  No stress about money.  No worrying about what I want to do.  

Just being.

Reality intruded so quickly this week.

I found it so easy to hope with the sand beneath my feet, the wind blowing my hair, and the sound of the waves crashing crashing on the shore.  

Now I find myself trying to grasp it and it feels like it is slipping away.

Frustration came quickly.  Confusion at what He is doing and what He wants me to do.

Hopelessness.

Sadness.  (The 18th marked 2 years since my darling Memaw passed away...grief is a sneaky thing...)

It happens so quickly....the feelings bombarding your heart.  Truthfully I have been thinking of YOU, yes, you...the ones who know the frustrations, the confusion, the sadness, and the hopelessness.  Maybe because I know how hard it is and how much it hurts... just know you are not alone.  <3

So this week I am going to work hard on two things... holding on to hope even when I feel it slipping through my fingers and looking for beauty.  

Because I know I have to keep trying to see the beauty and hope.  To know He has a plan and His timing is better than mine (I keep having to convince myself of this...ha!) and that there is a purpose for all of this.

So that's where I am.... How are you lovelies?  What are you going to be work on this week?

 

Terrified Excitement and Prayer.

First, I just want to say thank you so much for your kind words through comments and emails last week as I shared my story.   You encouraged my heart so and made me feel loved.  <3

So now you know I am choosing hope.

In many ways that means choosing to trust Him.  No matter what.

It's been hard because of many things but mostly because of not being able to find a job.

I have been looking for a part time job to help me out until I can find a full time job.

I have applied to most every where local to no avail.

At the same time I have put a great deal of work into applying for jobs as a residence director at a college.  College students are some of my favorite people and I feel like I could really do well in the position.

Alas... most of the doors are shutting there.

At times it's hard, this not knowing what I want to do...what is that next step.

Last weekend we had a small family get together with some family...and a chance to catch up and say goodbye to my cousin Jenn and her husband Chris.  (They left for Africa again yesterday on a trip with their non-profit Retouch.  You should definitely check out their awesome ministry!)  

While we chatted they mentioned teaching English in Asia.

My Aunt Kim was like you should do it.

I thought for a few moments and the conversation moved on.

I spent a great deal of last week thinking about it and praying about it.

Doing some research I found that South Korea is one of the best places to teach for a year (or more).  The research fascinated me and I found myself reading all I could about Korea.  

I decided to take a step of faith.

I applied to a recruiter to teach English in South Korea.

Here is what I think....

A step of faith is just that, a step.  It's saying you know what.... I am going to take a risk and see what happens.

So you take that step.... and you seek His Face.

I have no idea what will happen in the coming weeks and months...if I will get a job here, or in another city (I applied to jobs in several different cities!), or even another country.  

However I trust that He is going to guide my steps and open doors and close doors and I am going to see the path He has laid before me the very moment He wants me to see it.

I am terrified.

I am excited!

Ahh...terrified excitement.  It's such a fun place to be.

A place that I trust is fully HIM.

Following Him is not meant to be easy...it's messy and dirty and terrifying.  He asks for hard things.  His timing is different from mine.  

Yet at the same time knowing He is going to lead me on the adventure of a lifetime....just because I am is and He is mine...is exciting and so much more than I can imagine.

Over the next few months I would covet your prayers.  That I would continue to seek His face and that I would trust Him and know He has a plan...and that my footsteps would follow His.

And now...it's your turn.

I would adore praying for YOU.

So today... How can I pray for you?

You can leave a comment here or email me (crittyjoyblog at gmail dot com) if it's something you don't want to share in a comment.

I am going to set time aside this week to carry you to His throne and lay you at His feet and let Him love on you as only He can.

 

The Hope. :: Part 5.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

Part 4.

Today's part of the story is what I am currently going through.   It's the end of sorts...but also a beginning.

2 weeks ago after several really rough weeks I spent the weekend quietly in some ways yet it was busy.  Through it all a song lyric came to mind often.  Hold on to hope, love.  

The more I thought about it the more I realized it was something I needed to do.

To just hold on to hope.  To choose every single day to hope.

I was not sure it would make a difference... but it has.

So. Much.

As I have processed through some thing I have realized something...

There is beautiful hope in brokenness.

I have been broken and laid bare this year.  Even experiencing the beauty of freedom... there is still brokenness.  Yet there.  In my brokenness is where I see Him the most.

That's the thing about being broken and laid bare. In all those pieces you can truly see the lies, the walls, every single hurt, all the things that and in seeing it for what it truly is... You see Him.  The One ready to start picking up those pieces and putting them back together.

Oh not the same as it was.

Because once you've been broken the pieces no longer fit together as they once did. He takes each piece walks through that brokenness with you and places it back in you.   It's different.

But then again an encounter with Him should never leave us the same.

We are made new in our brokenness.  

Once we encounter Him.... our brokenness becomes something more.

Something He can use.

And He does.

Hope in my brokenness.  

Hope has helped me accept the brokenness, the numbness, the pain, and the freedom.

Hope is what I choose.  Sometimes it is a daily choice.  A choice that some days I have to make over and over and over.

But it has been so worth it.

So if you are struggling today...

Hold on to hope, love.

 

The Freedom. :: Part 4

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

As I look back I am fascinated my my one word for each year since 2009.

Journey.

Hope.

Freedom.

Dare.

 

After the brokenness, the pain, and the numbness I began to realize there was so much more to my life than what I was living.  My journey started learning that life was indeed a journey and on that journey you needed hope.  2011 was a year of freedom and it was bigger than I could have ever imagined.  The reason I could finally focus and begin my journey toward freedom was that I had accepted the brokenness and the pain.  It was a part of me and made me who I was.  I was stronger because of it...because He was in it the midst of it.

I let go of so many things.  Lies that I had believe for so long like I was unworthy of love.  Trust is still a bit harder for me but I give it to those I am closest to.  Friends and family who invaded my heart and would not let me go.

Freedom has taken the form of steps of faith.  Of conquering fear with truth and being brave in spite of not feeling it.

I let go of baggage and a job and expectations and religion.

I found peace, joy, and a lightness to my heart I never thought I would feel.

Freedom found in Him is true freedom.

It's the freedom that you can literally feel in your heart.

I always wished for that freedom.  Now I realize I had to take the journey He had for me to get there.

It was hard.  At times I wanted to give up.  At times I wanted to just curl up in a ball and wish the world away through my tears.

I wanted Him to make it easy.

I wanted Him to just fix it.  To mend all those pieces together and let me be.

He does not work that way.  

Brokenness is meant to bring us closer to Him.  (more on this in the last post tomorrow!)

And slowly... I have seen His timing for this is perfect.  His purpose shines through and I get to experience the beauty of freedom.

The beauty I knew would come.

I just had to wait.

Freedom was my coming beauty.

Now He gives me something even more beautiful to look to...

The Pain. :: Part 3.

Part 1.

Part 2.

 

(via pinterest)

In February of 2009 I saw my counselor/mentor and we had a real talk for the first time.

Real meaning I finally let her in just a smidge.  

By the end she suggested I come visit her over Spring Break and work through some more things. (she lives in another state) 

Did I go?  I knew she would delve deeply and ask some hard things and I would have to talk.  

Talking meant feeling.

It also meant accepting my life as it was.

The thing about being numb is that you don't have to accept anything... and it had been nice not accepting the truth.

So I went to see her during Spring Break.  Along with her and another counselor I spent some time digging deep.  It was terrifying and one of hte hardest things I have done in my life.  I cried so hard and so long I physically hurt.

By the end I had beautiful words spoken over me and I had at least acknowledged some truths.

Abuse.

Lack of trust.

Co-dependency.

Accepting lies as truth.

Anger, lies, manipulation.

Realizing I had built my own world in my mind and for years had thought it was perfect.  It was...because it was not real.

 

After that spring break I took months work through what I had heard and began to slowly accept some of it.

Near the end of the year I realized I needed more help.  Weekly help in the form of a counselor.

While I had accepted some things....the pain was intense and I was unsure of what to do with it.  I knew I needed to feel it and to find a way to move forward.

I realize now I was probably depressed. 

I let myself feel and now it was time to figure out what was next.

As a counselor I was pretty picky about criteria for a counselor.  I really wanted a woman.

Unfortunately living in a small town it's not like there were a lot of choices.

I finally decided to go one time to see G.  So in early 2010 I made an appointment.

Truthfully I went into the whole thing with a bad attitude.  It was not what I wanted and I was ticked.

My first session with G lasted for over two hours.  I told my story in halting details and with a lot of tears.

At the end it was what I needed.

A gift.  God had given me a gift...it was not what I wanted but He had given me what I needed most.

I met with G weekly.... and even better not only did he listen and help me see how to move forward he also used my gifts to help me work through some things.  My creativity became even more apart of who I was.

Soon it became bi-weekly and then as needed.

The brokenness had become numbness and then pain... and now I was on my way to something more....

The Numbness. :: Part 2.

(Part 1)

After graduation I moved back home.  My parents were back together and I was starting a new job where I was going to get to use the degree I had worked so hard for.

It was a tension filled few weeks.

Mum and I along with my sister-in-law (she was just my brother's girlfriend at the time) went with some of our extended family to Disney World.

It was lovely but there was such a heaviness.

Something was coming.

I just knew it.

We got home late and I knew.

My Dad had left and for good this time.  

For me it was a relief.  For my Mom is was devastating.

He chose to let her know over the phone.  In which for the first time in my life (and actually the only time) I grabbed that phone and let him have it.  It was and is the ugliest thing I have ever done.

For moments I felt again.

The rage was intense and real and so ugly.

And it was over and I sat there shaking... and then...

the numbness came over me again.

It's hard to realize how long I let myself stay numb.

Not days.

Not weeks.

Years.

I acted as if everything was okay for more than 3 years.  

Inside I felt nothing.

Happiness.  Saddness.  

They were fleeting and I just moved day to day as if I had no purpose.

It was as if ice had taken over my heart.

Those pieces frozen in place.

In 2008 God brought a mentor into my life.  She was truthful from the begining.

I remember vividly her telling me, Christy you are not okay.

It would be a long year before I finally grasp that truth.

Honestly when I look back being numb was the easy part.  I did the bare minimum of things to be a part of my own life.  It's easy not to care.  No one can really hurt you, there are no expectations,  you exisit but you don't really live.  

I was not ready to accept emotions again so even though I had been told the truth.... I chose to wait.

Turns out I can wait patiently when it's my choice...but when it's His choice...well that gets difficult.

So the numbness settled around my heart again...

The Brokenness :: Part 1.

(For the last two weeks it has been heavy on my heart to write this story... a huge part of my story.  I am not sure how many days it will be but this is the beginning...)

In 2005 I experienced one of the highlights of my life and the lowest point of my life.

Sadly that one thing colored my whole year... and often we jokingly call it my year of hell because it was and is still the hardest year I have ever had in my life.

One February evening in my dorm I had watched a show with one of my best friends, A, and she had left to go practice for intramurals.  

The phone rang and it said home....picking it up it was not my Mum but my aunt.

My Mum had found out some devastating new and they just wanted me to know...

My Dad had been having an affair for many years.  (this was the tip of the iceberg but not what this story is about so I will only be sharing this detail)

In moments the life I thought I knew came crashing down before me.

I am a private person so I only felt comfortable calling a 2 people.  My best friends A and B.  (yes...together we were A, B, C!)  B was in town doing ministry so I left a message and A came back immediately to my room.

I told her in halting sentences and then we sat in silence where she just played with my hair and I tried to absorb what was going on.

For several days I sat on the couch in our small dorm watching television, not sleeping, and not eating.  Talking to my Mom every chance I could.  

A and B sat with me, if I even mentioned something might taste good they would go find it.  Most often they just sat quietly with me (playing with my hair....not sure why I find it comforting but I do) and just being a constant in my life.

My RD (resident director) at the time was a darling lady who came to check on me every day and one day brought a miniature rose plant because I needed a small reminder of beauty in my world.

I met my Mom halfway between school and home that Saturday and we talked and she made sure I stayed in school.  It was hard.

I was so broken.

As the week progressed and more came out I realized how much of the life I thought of as mine was really....

a lie.

I cried.  I raged.  

It was just so much to take in.

It was as if I had been shattered into a thousand pieces and I had no idea how to even move from that point.

I was a mess.

Yet I continued.  It was 3 months until graduation.  I was almost finished with college.  I could do it.  

Graduation finally came and it was not the day I wanted. For years I would resent that the day I had worked so hard to achieve was one filled with utter disappointment and hurt. Filled with more lies and tension.... I just wanted it to be over. 

Then it was.

And all that was left was the numbness.