Critty Joy

By His Wounds.

Betrayal.

Scorn. Mockery.

A crown of thorns.

Lashings.  Cat o Nine tails.

Blood flowing freely.

Beatings. Whips.

Pain.  Agony.

Sin. Shame.

A borrowed Cross that did not belong to you.

The burden of carrying that Cross.

Falling.

Shouts and Yells of the crowd.

Falling.

They tell a man to help you carry the Cross.

 

You arrive.

Golgotha.  

Three nails.

A hammer.

One hand.  Two hands.  Your Feet.

They raise you up on that borrowed Cross.

Forsaken.

Pain.  Agony.

You speak.

"Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" which means, My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46). 

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). 

"Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise" (Luke 23:43). 

"Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit" (Luke 23:46). 

"Woman, behold your son!" and "Behold your mother!" (John 19:26-27). 

"I thirst" (John 19:28). 

"It is finished!" (John 19:30). 

 

A sword in your side.

 

The Lamb that was slain.

 

Death.

 

Jesus. 

You took my sin.  My shame.

 My Savior. 

 By your wounds... I am healed.

Thank you for taking my place.

 

(Originally written in 2010)

 

Hope on the Rocks.

Truthfully I wish I could tell you I haven't been writing because life has been so busy being lovely and full of beauty and fabulous things.

Life is rough.  

 Yet He is still showing me and teaching me... even when I don't necessarily want to see Him or learn.  

On Sunday as I cooked dinner on the grill I walked over to talk to my dog as she was erhm demanding some attention from the fence.  As I walked by our less than kept flower bed I thought I saw something shine.

Ignoring it I kept walking.

After a few minutes doting on Sami I walked back toward the grill.

Again...something shiny within the rocks caught my eye and I stopped. 

There in the middle of the rocks was a shiny round stone.

A red stone.....

 

I struggle with hope.

When do I hope for something?  When do I give up that hope and just move on?  

How do I know when my hopes are the same as His?

 Those questions have stirred in my heart often.

 

As I have pondered over the events that occurred during this week so many years ago I have though of Jesus and his humanity.

In particular I have thought of that scene in the Garden.  That scene that now I see as a man, not God, struggling with the task ahead of Him.

A man who fully understood the feelings of hopelessness and confusion and frustration and weariness and pain.

Yet He believed in His Father and His Father's love.  He trusted Him to make this right.  For it all to come together and be the perfect plan.

 

Tonight because of my own error I had to make a very late errand run.

As I drove I talked with Him and told Him of how I felt and why and I just laid it out there...again.

 

Quietly I hear....Christy, did you think that red stone was a coincidence?

I sat there... thankful for the stop light and wondered what He could be trying to tell me.

 

Slowly it came.

 

With blood the highest random was paid.

With blood rescue came.

With blood hope was restored.

With blood love was found.

With blood we are made whole.

 

I thought of that Friday night so many years ago.

Of all those who loved Him and did not understand.  

He was dead.

Hope was gone.  

Rescue was impossible.

Love was lost.

Brokenness for them all.

 

How hopeless they must have felt that night.

 

I know something they did not.

Something I have a tendency to forget.

 

Sunday came.

Sunday IS HERE.

He was resurrected.

He defeated death.

He was ALIVE.

He IS alive.

 

Their hope was restored.

Their rescue came.

Their brokenness mended.

Their love found.

And what is so amazing is they had no idea....that was just the beginning!

 

Even though it was 11:30 when I got home I went out to the flower bed and grabbed that red stone.

And I held it tightly in my hand and I thanked Him.  For His suffering, His sacrifice, and His unending love.

 

So while I might think things are hopeless and I feel like His followers that Friday night.  

I am clinging to the knowledge that He understands and trusting He will make this right.

It may not be the right I want but it will be the one I need.

 

I remember the Cross this week.

I remember the tomb.

I remember the nail scarred hands that Thomas had to touch to believe.

I remember He lives.

 

And I remember....there is hope.

Embracing the Messy.

I like control.

I like a schedule.

Messy is not my favorite thing.  (Contrary to the state of my room right now....ha!)

Chaos can make me withdraw faster than anything I know.

Give me a quiet, scheduled life and I would be one happy girl.

However.

Faith is messy.

Belief in God is messy.

Freedom, daring, adventure, life...is messy.

That's what I have been learning this year.

The idea for this post came weeks ago but it did not come together for me until today.

You see... when my niece wants to hand something messy/gross to someone...it's me she chooses.

One day she had put a cookie in her mouth but then decided she didn't like it so she headed straight for me ready to spit it in my hand.  Sighing...I held out my hand and there she spit it.  My stomach rolled with nausea and my family laughed.  I am the one that does not do messy/gross well.

Of all of us (my Mum, brother, and sister-in-law) she chose me to handle the mess.

She trust me to put my hand up, catch the mess, and deal with it.

It sounds simple but that night as I lay in bed...it occurred to me that maybe there is a purpose to her choosing me.  

There is beauty to be found in the messy.

For Sass and I...it's about knowing I will be there to help.  She trust me to open my hand and help her.

It's a beautiful basis for our relationship as Aunt and Niece. 

Mess.

It's a beautiful basis for our relationship with Christ.

When you think of brokenness... it's messy.

For me... embracing my brokenness has helped me experience freedom in ways I never thought possible.

Jesus uses our brokenness in profound ways.

It boggles my mind that my brokenness brings Him glory.  Brings Him delight...because it's a part of me.  

Right now...the waiting, the frustration, the confusion, the direction-less, the emotions that are all over the place... my life...is messy.

The freedom is wonderful... the mess is not.

It's been overwhelming the last few weeks.

The messy.

I am realizing though at a certain point you just have to embrace it.

To let it be what it is.

To see Him in the middle of it.

Knowing He is there.

Knowing He is control.

Knowing He is trustworthy.

Knowing He has a plan.

Knowing He cares.

Knowing this will not last forever.

Knowing this will become a beautiful basis for my relationship with Him.

So now...I learn to embrace the messy.

It's scares me. But knowing Him it will be worth it.

 

Do you deal well with messy?  Or is control more your thing?

4 Sided Comfort.

 

Sometimes made of bricks and mortar from years of hurt.

 

Sometimes made of cement from a hurt that scarred so deeply ones world fell apart.

We think it protects us.

This box.  This 4 sided comfort.

And to a certain extent it does.

Often we don't know we live in our own box until something or someone helps us see it.

I have been thinking about my own box lately after a conversation I had with a co-worker on my last day of work at my old job.

I know at least one side of my box was made of brick and mortar as it took a year from seeing myself in my box to taking one side of it down.  (If you want to know about my journey toward breaking down one side of my box you read about it here, here, and here.) 

I must admit at times fear still comes with the fact that with one side of my box gone...I feel exposed and less comfortable.

At the same time it's opened my heart and mind and helped me see Him differently and know Him deeper.

My co-worker expressed to me that he was sad to see me go because he felt like it had just been in the last 6 months (the length of time my notice was) he had really gotten to know me.

I told him the reason was because in my box...no one could really and truly know me.  The thing about a box is no one fits in it but you.

Not even God.

(Plus if you put God in a box too...that's 2 thick walls to get through to know Him...and to know you!)

Once you take down one side of your box....others can see in.

He can see in.

There is an exposure.  People truly see...YOU.  

Breaking down one side of your box means getting comfortable with a few things....your flaws.  Your humanity.  You sin and brokenness.    It also means getting uncomfortable with a great deal of things.  

It's not been an easy thing...breaking down a side of my 4 sided comfort.

At the same time I think over the past 2 years and see a girl who can say she has take brave steps and shown courage.

Then I think to those other three sides of comfort and hope this journey toward freedom continues.

Thinking of a life box free...and uncomfortable... is terrifyingly exciting.

Even more... I have discovered that living a life that borders on terrified excitement is a life worth daring to live.

Since I am choosing dares and risks this year.  I think I am going to work on that next side of comfort.

Do you live in four sided comfort?  Or are you breaking down those sides of your own box?

 

Joining with the SDG sisters at Jen's.

 

Don't forget about As of Late this Thursday! :)

Falling In Love.

I had a friend reading a book.  She kept telling me to get it.

Then one of my dearest friends started reading it and she raved about it.

The book?  Beautiful Outlaw.

I finally ordered it and it came last Tuesday and I read one chapter.

I wept through the chapter as I saw a side of my Jesus I had never thought of.  Never really wanted to think of.  

Life got in the way after that one chapter and today in order to calm my nerves I picked the book back up.

The second chapter made me realize I put Jesus in a box.

A box I think a lot of people put Him in.

I mean He is Jesus.  A part of the triune God.

I had only seen the parts I hear from the Church and others.  A two dimensional Jesus.  Compassionate and Loving.  But truthfully I have always known there is more.  I just did not want to get to know the more.

I am realizing though that I never thought of Jesus as a man.

John Eldredge says this:

"What about his great acts of playfulness, or cunning?  What about his brilliance, his wit, his irreverence, the scandalous freedom with which Jesus lives, his exasperation and impatience?  Not to mention his humanity we have nearly forgotten he was man." page 16, Beautiful Outlaw.

In letting go of my old thoughts and getting to know Him anew I am seeing a man to fall in love with.  

Playful.  Funny.  Sarcastic at times.  Cunning.  Loyal.  Brilliant.  Witty.  

I understand him in his exasperation and impatience.

I think I have always kept the religiousness as a separator.

To keep me from fully falling in love with Him.  

In many ways thinking it would not hurt as much if he did not love me back.  My head knowing the truth already....nothing I do can separate me from him.  He is love.  He loves me.  Just as I am.

My heart so far behind still beating myself up for my past, present, and future indiscretions.

Fear has kept me from fully experiencing Jesus.

John Eldredge goes on to point out that the very thing that makes us love our family and friends, their personality, is something we don't take time to get to know in our Jesus.

When I am reading the Word...I am not thinking of His personality...looking to see what He was like.  I am reading for knowledge or to learn....what?  I am not even sure of any more.  I just did things by rote.  Because it is what I am suppose too.  The good little Christian girl.

I am learning there is more to me.  More to him.  And the mold of good little Christian girl does not fit anymore.

As I read Beautiful Outlaw...I am going to go back and re-read the books that introduced Him to me so long ago.  Matthew. Mark. Luke. John.  I am going to look, really look, deeper and get to know Jesus as he was and is.  His personality quirks.  What made him sad.  What made him laugh.  Who his friends were and why he loved them.  

My heart wants more and is going to get more.

It is going to get Jesus.  Full on no holds barred...JESUS.

I can't wait to fall in love.

Joining with the SDG sisters today at Finding Heaven.

Remembering.

As August came to a close I dreaded that September was coming.  For days I could not figure out why.  Was it the 10th anniversary of 9-11 that was causing such grief to my heart?  

Truthfully that is part of it.  More than that it is because this year I am acutely aware of the fact that the person I shared that day with is no longer here.  

Last September I was still so numb from my Memaw's death and besotted with Toccoa.

But this year?

I keep thinking of that day and my memories all involve her.

She woke me up that Tuesday morning telling me a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  At first I was like what?  So I got up and did my morning routine and went to stand by her chair in the living room and watched the news coverage with her.  Unsure of what was going on she sat and I stood in silence.

A few minutes later we watched in horror as a second plane came in and hit the other tower.  I distinctly remember that she grabbed my hand as I sank to the floor in disbelief and the words of the newscaster as he (and we) realized this was no coincidence.

That whole day we sat glued to the television.

I also remember that we talked.  A lot.

About the events she had seen in her lifetime.  The things that had shook her to her core.  (The assassination of JFK, the ending of WW II, mans first walk on the moon...I am sure there were more!)  They made an indelible impression on her heart.  

She told me my heart would be scarred forever by that day.

She was right.

It's odd not having the person I shared that day with because of it's significance to our country...to each of us.

I am missing her so much right now.

At the same time I am so glad I shared that day with her.  I got to hear her memories we got to share our pain of that day...together.

 

 

I sit here and watch a documentary about what is Rising from what once was the site of the World Trade Center.  (Rising.)  I see the scenes that shook the foundation of the lives of so many....and I think of those who died that day.  

2,977.  It's an overwhelming number to think of.  So many lives lost.

I grieve for those who lost their life that day.  I grieve for their families and friends.

They have weighed heavily on my heart this week. 

Some pain never truly goes away.  It lessens with time but it is never gone.

May we never forget that day.  Those who lost their lives.  Those who still miss that loved one.  And those fighting for our freedom even now.

10 years later....I also see hope.

 

I remember,

 

Rain Will Fall.

I have never really be a rain person before.  I understood it's need but never really saw it's beauty.

 

A few weeks ago we had an amazing storm.  The rain was falling heavily and the lightning and thunder was close.

I opened our back door and watched.  I stood with my hand out catching the rain and letting it roll down my arm.  It soon got so intense that I had to shut the door but I still stood there and watched for the longest time.

It was amazing.  The splendor of that storm.  It was beauty and fury all rolled into one event.

 

I thought about that storm for days.  

How the sky looked.

How the trees looked.

How the rain splashed onto our stoop and driveway.

How the lightning was streaking across the sky.

The sounds of the rain and the thunder.

It had never occured to me before that a storm could be anything but dangerous.

Beauty comes in the oddest places.

Including the rain.

 

Most of us don't view rain as a good thing...it interrupts plans, it causes inconvenience, for some the dreary days are not happy days.

I am learning though that into our life rain must fall.

Those hard days where nothing is easy and the bad news keeps coming.

Those days when grief overwhelms.

Those days were bitterness overcomes.

Those days when anger overtakes.

Those days when hurt is overbearing.

 

Even on those rainy days...there is beauty.  

Rain will fall.  

Grief, bitterness, anger, and hurt will prevail but He is with us on those days too.

It's always easy to see Him in the good days.  The day full of sunshine and bright blue skies.

But on those grey days with heavy rain....He is harder to see.

He is still there.

In the midst of the rain.

Loving us.  Holding Us.

Always.

We get to choose regret or rejoice.  Regret for those rainy days or rejoice in knowing we are not alone and that rain will fall...but sunshine will return.

So on those rainy days... rejoice in the knowledge He is for you.  Always.

He is for You.

If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31b

If you are broken...He is for you.

If you are bitter...He is for you.

If you are lonely...He is for you.

If you are angry...He is for you.

If you are embattled on every side....He is for you.

If you just can't catch your breathe in the chaos of life...He is for you.

If you are mired in religion...He is for you.

If you have given up hope...He is for you.

If you feel defeated....He is for you.

If you feel beaten down by the world...He is for you.

If you can't take another step in your journey...He is for you.

If you are faithless....He is for you.

If you are grieving....He is for you.

If you are lost and confused...He is for you.

If you are sick...He is for you.

If you are weary...He is for you.

If you all you hear is the enemy's lies screaming at you....He is for you.

If you feel worthless...He is for you.

 

He is for you.

Always.

He is with you.

Always.

 

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 

 

Joining with Jen and the SDG sisterhood today.

Heart Cracks :: CJ Backstory

I am never sure what to call my writings like the one from yesterday.  It started last year with She Knows...then my post over at incourage...and it is how I continue to write.  I am not sure what to do with it yet but I do enjoy it so.  From time to time I am sure some will show up here on the blog.

Heart Cracks was started many months ago...February.  I work with teenage girls and their families and at times as I listen to their stories I often feel like my heart literally cracks a little.  As I sat in my office after a rough day the beginning of the short story/poem came to me.  I quickly jotted it down and when I got home typed it out and added it to my writing folder.

Where it sat for months.

One July night as I lay in bed the idea for the end of it came to me...so I got up and finished it and then spent several days polishing it and sent it to two friends who are the best proofreaders ever.  I knew I wanted to share it...and decided to share it here at my little home on the internet.

 

The more I have learned about God lately the more I have come to see Him as the Healer of hearts.

Heart Cracks is not autobiographical.  It is however based on many women in my life.  Their heart cracks are there...not where anyone would know...but their story is represented.  So is mine.  Hopefully you too saw a little piece of yourself in it too.

The one thing they all have in common is they chose to let Jesus heal their broken hearts.  It's a lesson I watched over and over in their lives and never really would allow Jesus that access.  Last year I finally allowed that to begin... for Him to pour His love over my wounded heart as a healing balm.

He has poured and poured... and slowly the cracks of my own heart have begun to heal.  I am learning that He uses our brokenness.  He also uses our healing...and oh how much more our heart can hold when He heals it.  :)

It's why I feel ready to put my heart out there again...to take a step of faith...to seek the adventure He has made our lives to be.  Because His love has healed my broken heart.

I truly hope that if you read Heart Cracks that it would touch your heart in some way... whether it be reminding you of others who are hurting, or to remind you He cares so very much about your broken heart and is still pursuing you just waiting to heal you.

He loves us so.  Cracks and all.

Heart Cracks.

(A CJ original writing.  Tomorrow I will have a CJ Backstory post about the story behind this writing.)

 

 

At 8 she is a care free girl with innocence.  She dances through life seeing the beauty and splendor of all that surrounds her.

 

At 10 she sits on the school bus and a girl who was her friend and flounces by the seat and says I don’t want to be your friend any more...you’re not pretty enough.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 13 she sits on the bench outside school looking at a magazine and it tells her that her brown hair is not as pretty as blonde hair.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 14 she sits with friends in their favorite lunch spot and one of her friends tells her she should not eat her dessert she is looking a little fat today.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 15 her first love tells her he met another girl he likes better.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 19 her parents divorce.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 21 she is abused by her boyfriend.  He hurls the most ugly words and they take up residence in her mind and heart.  Her heart cracks.

 

Life continues....

She cannot seem to be enough at college.  Her heart cracks.

She meets the man of her dreams and she thinks he will heal her heart. Her engagement falls apart.  Her heart cracks.

 

It just becomes too much and her heart implodes into a million little pieces.

 

Broken.  It seems forever.  

 

She decides that risking her heart is just too much and vows that no one will ever make it past the wall she puts up.

 

One day she meets Him.

The One.

He pursues her.

He woos her.

He tells her He loves her.

She loves Him.

 

In the silence of the night she hears Him whisper, I want to fix your broken heart.  He tells her that in her brokenness life can be found.  Beauty can be found.

In fear, she runs.  She hides.

It is of no use.

He loves her too much to let her heart stay broken.

He once again pursues her.  Each place she hides He finds her.... And she hears the whispered words over and over again.  

I love you.  Just as you are. 

I love you.  Just as you are.  

I love you.  Just as you are.

His Words become a healing balm to her heart.

She seeks His help more and more as the days go by.  

She discovers His Word.... She discovers friends of her heart.  He brings things into her life that show her among the pain there is beauty.

Slowly each piece of her broken heart is mended back together by His Hands.

It looks or feels nothing like it did before.

She feels stronger.

More courageous.

 

She ventures out again.

Risking her heart...