Critty Joy

Why, Hello There!

My goodness.  It's been a while!  For months my heart has longed for words here but I just didn't make the time.  As we come to the end of 2016 (also known as the most awful year ever.) I realized I needed this space.  Much has happened over the last few years.  Beautiful things.  Ugly things.  A whole lot of messy.  A whole lot of glorious hope.

In the end I needed to start putting my words out there again.  So with a brand new look Critty Joy is ready to step into 2017!  Did you know I started writing this blog in 2007?  So 2017 will mark my 10th year.  What better time to re-enter one of my favorite hobbies and enjoy all that it has to offer!

I will be participating in a few things to help me to keep coming to this space and to also share parts of me here...the fun stuff and the messy stuff on the days when I don't feel like writing.

I am going to participate in Modern Mrs. Darcy's reading challenge!

I also want to participate in Leigh Kramer's What I'm Into link up.

It's also time for me to chose my OneWord365 word for 2017.  I've been pondering on it but don't have a solid one yet.

I am going to look into some other things to participate in around bloggy land.  So if you know any good ones please let me know!

There will also be stories about my life... some fun such as my marriage and being a fur mom...and the not so fun stuff as I have decided to document about my struggle with anxiety and depression.  

And lastly... I am feeling the creative bug again so I will be creating wallpapers and other digital art fun here!  I am so excited to start creating...as you can tell I had fun with my new blog look.  :)

 

How are you my friends?  I have missed you so!  

<3

When Adventure Takes Over....

Why Hello there dear ones!

I must admit I did not mean to abandon this little ole bloggy but life's been...an adventure as of late.  

It's very strange to be so very happy after nine months of really hard things.  Some days it scares me to be this happy yet I choose to embrace it and live life fully.

Oh... why so happy?

Well.

The job?  It's amazing.  I love it.  I work with some amazing people and am enjoying all aspects of it.  It feels like a perfect fit.  Just over a month in and I am overwhelmed with the goodness of it all.  I wake up excited for work and it's been a long time since I felt that way (years!).  

Having my own place is also fabulous.  I am enjoying making it a home each small step at a time.  (saving money for things like a dining room table are a dream come true!).  It already feels like home and I know in the coming months it will become even more my own space that reflects who I am.

And...

There is a guy.  Who is pretty amazing and he makes my life so much more fun.  He is good at getting me out of my comfort zone and he's wonderfully sweet to me.  

Life is lovely.

I feel like this quote has been the beauty of my life lately.  This year has been about giving up dreams and gaining new ones... it's been about hoping when things felt so hopeless.  It's been about choosing joy on the hard days.  It's been full of choosing trust and even on the most frustrating days.

A year of dare...that has turned out to be more than I could have ever imagined.

I am so grateful for the gift that has been this year...the beauty that has come from ashes and the hope that has sprung forth in the most unusual of ways.

I am not sure what this blog will look like for a while...as I try to navigate my new chapter of life.   

I will still be around on facebook and twitter as I try to figure out what this space will become.  Know that I think of y'all often dear ones!

My hope is that each of you are well... what has been going on with YOU lately?

 

Much love,

 

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A Wild Adventure....

Love Does by Bob Goff.

Reality and The Sea.

The Back and Forth.

Last week I listed my struggles in my journal.

Every single one I could think of I wrote it down.

It's a bit hard to see a list of things that seem impossible to overcome.

Yet...I needed to write them down...and then lay them down.

I am terrible at laying things down before Him.  

My struggles usually are head vs. heart...or the hope and despair kind.

My head and heart struggles are no a given day... my worth, my weight, negative thoughts, fear, trust....

The hope and despair are often of the waiting in so many areas,  being alone vs loneliness, fear, trust....

Some days as I prepare for bed I wonder why I am so exhausted and realize at times it is because of fighting so hard.

This year, my year of dare, is also about daring to trust Him in all things.

While I am working on it I still try most days to do it in my own strength.

Never has that been more apparent that this last week as I try to wait patiently to see if I got this job I want so badly.

Morning time would be praying and giving it over to Him....

by 2 p.m. I would have take the problem back and wrestle between hope that I would get it but telling myself all the positive things about the interview and my skills...and the despair in telling myself I had to be kidding there was no way I would get it...by tearing myself down and assuming the worst.

Then later in the quiet I would lay it back down at His feet....

The back and forth.

It's exhausting.

And I must decide to fully trust or continue to be exhausted and weary.

I feel such peace when I lay things down before Him... yet I like control and want to control (okay I want the illusion of control) in my life.

It's funny how one little revelation snowballs until you see before you that most of your struggles originate from one place...

and that that thing you thought you had a come a long way in...that trust thing... is still a big work in progress.

As for the waiting thing... my friend, Amanda, tweeted this verse and it's my Word to cling to this week.

Yes.  This waiting is hard. And maybe I need a perspective shift as to what I am waiting on and for.  Something I will be thinking about and praying on this week.

And my list of struggles....I will see them in my journal often and remember that I am laying them down because I trust Him.  Because He knows me better than even I know myself.

I am going to work on that being enough.

 

What Word are you clinging too this week?

 

P.S.  Thank you SO much for your kind words on my new endeavor, Delighted Designs.  Also if you are interested in guesting during my series on prayer please email me!  I would adore you visiting my internet home with your words.  <3

Hope on the Rocks.

Truthfully I wish I could tell you I haven't been writing because life has been so busy being lovely and full of beauty and fabulous things.

Life is rough.  

 Yet He is still showing me and teaching me... even when I don't necessarily want to see Him or learn.  

On Sunday as I cooked dinner on the grill I walked over to talk to my dog as she was erhm demanding some attention from the fence.  As I walked by our less than kept flower bed I thought I saw something shine.

Ignoring it I kept walking.

After a few minutes doting on Sami I walked back toward the grill.

Again...something shiny within the rocks caught my eye and I stopped. 

There in the middle of the rocks was a shiny round stone.

A red stone.....

 

I struggle with hope.

When do I hope for something?  When do I give up that hope and just move on?  

How do I know when my hopes are the same as His?

 Those questions have stirred in my heart often.

 

As I have pondered over the events that occurred during this week so many years ago I have though of Jesus and his humanity.

In particular I have thought of that scene in the Garden.  That scene that now I see as a man, not God, struggling with the task ahead of Him.

A man who fully understood the feelings of hopelessness and confusion and frustration and weariness and pain.

Yet He believed in His Father and His Father's love.  He trusted Him to make this right.  For it all to come together and be the perfect plan.

 

Tonight because of my own error I had to make a very late errand run.

As I drove I talked with Him and told Him of how I felt and why and I just laid it out there...again.

 

Quietly I hear....Christy, did you think that red stone was a coincidence?

I sat there... thankful for the stop light and wondered what He could be trying to tell me.

 

Slowly it came.

 

With blood the highest random was paid.

With blood rescue came.

With blood hope was restored.

With blood love was found.

With blood we are made whole.

 

I thought of that Friday night so many years ago.

Of all those who loved Him and did not understand.  

He was dead.

Hope was gone.  

Rescue was impossible.

Love was lost.

Brokenness for them all.

 

How hopeless they must have felt that night.

 

I know something they did not.

Something I have a tendency to forget.

 

Sunday came.

Sunday IS HERE.

He was resurrected.

He defeated death.

He was ALIVE.

He IS alive.

 

Their hope was restored.

Their rescue came.

Their brokenness mended.

Their love found.

And what is so amazing is they had no idea....that was just the beginning!

 

Even though it was 11:30 when I got home I went out to the flower bed and grabbed that red stone.

And I held it tightly in my hand and I thanked Him.  For His suffering, His sacrifice, and His unending love.

 

So while I might think things are hopeless and I feel like His followers that Friday night.  

I am clinging to the knowledge that He understands and trusting He will make this right.

It may not be the right I want but it will be the one I need.

 

I remember the Cross this week.

I remember the tomb.

I remember the nail scarred hands that Thomas had to touch to believe.

I remember He lives.

 

And I remember....there is hope.

Embracing the Messy.

I like control.

I like a schedule.

Messy is not my favorite thing.  (Contrary to the state of my room right now....ha!)

Chaos can make me withdraw faster than anything I know.

Give me a quiet, scheduled life and I would be one happy girl.

However.

Faith is messy.

Belief in God is messy.

Freedom, daring, adventure, life...is messy.

That's what I have been learning this year.

The idea for this post came weeks ago but it did not come together for me until today.

You see... when my niece wants to hand something messy/gross to someone...it's me she chooses.

One day she had put a cookie in her mouth but then decided she didn't like it so she headed straight for me ready to spit it in my hand.  Sighing...I held out my hand and there she spit it.  My stomach rolled with nausea and my family laughed.  I am the one that does not do messy/gross well.

Of all of us (my Mum, brother, and sister-in-law) she chose me to handle the mess.

She trust me to put my hand up, catch the mess, and deal with it.

It sounds simple but that night as I lay in bed...it occurred to me that maybe there is a purpose to her choosing me.  

There is beauty to be found in the messy.

For Sass and I...it's about knowing I will be there to help.  She trust me to open my hand and help her.

It's a beautiful basis for our relationship as Aunt and Niece. 

Mess.

It's a beautiful basis for our relationship with Christ.

When you think of brokenness... it's messy.

For me... embracing my brokenness has helped me experience freedom in ways I never thought possible.

Jesus uses our brokenness in profound ways.

It boggles my mind that my brokenness brings Him glory.  Brings Him delight...because it's a part of me.  

Right now...the waiting, the frustration, the confusion, the direction-less, the emotions that are all over the place... my life...is messy.

The freedom is wonderful... the mess is not.

It's been overwhelming the last few weeks.

The messy.

I am realizing though at a certain point you just have to embrace it.

To let it be what it is.

To see Him in the middle of it.

Knowing He is there.

Knowing He is control.

Knowing He is trustworthy.

Knowing He has a plan.

Knowing He cares.

Knowing this will not last forever.

Knowing this will become a beautiful basis for my relationship with Him.

So now...I learn to embrace the messy.

It's scares me. But knowing Him it will be worth it.

 

Do you deal well with messy?  Or is control more your thing?

Investing Your Heart.

Last night I attended Crosspoint's online service.  It is seriously one of my favorite things.  Last night was about Greed and Giving....

at one point Pete Wilson (the pastor) said this:

 

 

What matters to your heart, you build into your lives.

This got me big time.  It reminded me of a song (of course) called Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons.... the same lines that came to mind last night actually were the inspiration for a post a few weeks ago. And tonight the post resonated within my heart deeply as I thought to what I wrote then and what happened last night.

As I listened to the message I realized how much of our relationship with God is about trusting.  

And therein lies a problem for me because I don't do trust well.

I can let you in but only to a certain point.  

There are very few people I let go past that point.  Some family... and a few very dear heart friends.

I don't think I often allow God past that point either.

I am sure I could come up with several reasons.

Last night for the first time...it bothered me... this big lack of trust in Him.

Looking back over the last year I have trusted Him in some big things.  But fully trusting Him in everything.  I cannot honestly say that I have done that.  I mean I think in the past I thought I have.  And even proclaimed it at times.

I was wrecked...in those moments of realization I felt like my heart had been ripped open and exposed for Him to see.... 

my heart screaming I don't trust you.  

I know He has seen my heart all along and knows I have trust issues...and why I have them.  It was time for Him to show me, really show me, that this is holding me back.  

Holding me back from the more I so desperately want.

Sometime inside of me finally awoke and it is time to start letting Him restore these areas.

Because I want more.

I want a solid heart.

I want a heart I can build my life with.  A heart strengthened in the knowledge that I trust Him.  That I know Him.  That He knows me.  

I want to have a heart invested in beautiful things.  Him.  Others.  Being a steward.  Being a voice for the voiceless.  Love.  Joy.  Hope.  

It matters to my heart.  This trust thing.  I want to build it into my life.  I want to invest my heart into trusting Him.

The more within me grows....He knows.   My year of daring is going to include a whole lot of trusting.  

 

Have you had a moment that just wrecked you lately?

 

Please feel free to use the image above for a desktop wallpaper...I created it so I would remember to trust Him this week...it matters to my heart. :)

Joining in with the SDG sisters at Jen's.

The Struggle of Wait.

Sometimes I just have to post an honest post.  A... here's my struggle post.

You know the one where you just put it out there and hope maybe someone... at least one person...gets it and says oh girl... I know.

The first two weeks of January were lovely.  Busy... my new job going well... life was fab. Dreaming.  Writing.  Laughing.

I think I was able to distract myself from the waiting that is a big part of my life.

Waiting for SO many things.  Hope gets harder for me at times in the waiting.

The last week has been hard.

I want so much for things to be different and I pray.  His answer remains the same.

Wait.

I got a phone call from a dear friend telling me of a job opening that is full time and totally up my alley.  Like... perfection.

It's here.  In my hometown.

It pays well and it is something I enjoy.

I couldn't not put in an application...so I applied.  And now I wait.

My heart is torn.  I would really enjoy this job but at the same time I really, really want to move.  I need new community, new experiences, a place of my own.  I have felt that tugging in my spirit for years...and finally feel...well, ready.

Frustrated.  Confused.  

If there is anything I dislike more it's those two feelings.

It's pervaded so many areas of my life over the last week.

Tonight I ran across a piece of art that reminded me that while my plans are many His purpose will prevail.

As much as I am struggling right now I am trying to remember while I want those other things....I want His purpose in my life more.  I want the dreams He has placed in my heart fulfilled.

I am talking comfort in His word this week.  And in the love of friends who understand and listen.  And in laughter and guilty pleasure television.  The small things. 

 

When is the last time you were struggling in a major way?

 

Joining in with Jen and the SDG sisters.

The Distant Dad.

(The following post is long.  I thought about splitting into two parts but decided to just leave it as one long post)

This is truthfully not a post I thought I would write.  I have often shared small parts of my story but this part?  It's one of the hardest parts of my story.  It started a few weeks ago with a movie preview and God has been working in my heart since to share it here.  My hope is that it encourages someone and let's them know they are not alone.

Many of you do not know that I have a rather distant relationship with my Dad.  It is not something I share or talk about often.  I am okay with where our relationship is...but it has taken a while for me to be okay with that.

The idea to share my story came a few weeks ago after watching a late night movie with one of my dearest friends.  One of the movie previews was for the new Christian movie, Corageous.  The movie is basically about fathers taking up the challenge the be better fathers.  Watching the preview I was overwhelmed and pain hit swiftly.

That's the thing about pain.... the hurt of some of our life wounds never truly goes away.

For the first 15 years of my life while my Dad and I were not close I had a darling Papaw who in some ways took the place of a dad.  My dad was a truck driver and was often gone. My Papaw took me to many events and stood in as my father more than once.  When my Pappy passed away the pain lingered (and truthfully still does) but I just ignored that anything was wrong or different.

There is also the fact that I am very different from my family.  I am an introvert in a family full of extroverts.  I am a inside, bookish, nerdy girl.  My family enjoys being outside, camping, and car shows just to name a few things.  

I never realized how broken my relationship was with my Dad.  I just assumed it was our differences that made us well... not close.

It's funny how you assume things are normal for so long that you just continue to believe that even though there are signs.

There is also the fact that I was a Christian and he is not.

When I started college the second time I realized how my relationship with my Dad was very different.  

In February of 2005 in one moment it became clear that he was not nor was he ever the person I thought he was.

I changed so much in those moments.  I became a very angry and unforgiving person.  I held offenses and threw verbal barbs at him.

Yes, my Dad made some horrible choices.  I also know now he is who he is.

No matter what I want I have to accept him as the person he is...not the person I think he should be.

Since 2005 God has worked BIG things out in my heart.  He has removed my anger.  He has shown me forgiveness is truly more about you than the other person.  I am such a different person from those moments until now.

That does not mean I don't wish things were different.  My Dad has no idea about what is going on in my life.  Our conversations are surface level at best and I don't talk with him often.

I have learned that I can be okay with this because I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  Who I can talk too and who knows me the very best.  

Accepting my relationship for what it is with my dad took a long time.  And even in that acceptance it still hurts at times.  

I also know now.... it's okay to feel that hurt.  It's okay to wish it was more.  It's okay to expect and want more out of the relationship.  I want the conversations and the other things that come along with a good relationship.

I know he loves me.  He shows me in his own way...through his checking to make sure my car is running well or reminding me to wash it.  

God used my relationship with my Dad to show me how to accept the people in my life as they are.  

Here is what I do know... Love is to be freely given.  It's not meant to be earned.  I can't with-hold it because I think the person should be different.  I also know giving love freely hurts.  God did not gurantee us a life of no pain.  Jesus was the most wonderful proof of love and in the end... He died for love.

I love my Dad.  Yes.  My relationship with him is distant.  There are many reasons for that but when given the opportunity I love him.  I show him with my words and actions.  At times it is hard.  At times I want to give up.  However, I will not.  Love is too important. 

Yes, some days hurt.  That's life.  

And I want to embrace my life as fully as possible...so embracing the pain and the beauty is important...so I can embrace love.

Know if you have a distant parent in your life...you are not alone and God cares.  Also know others understand.  <3

Heart Cracks :: CJ Backstory

I am never sure what to call my writings like the one from yesterday.  It started last year with She Knows...then my post over at incourage...and it is how I continue to write.  I am not sure what to do with it yet but I do enjoy it so.  From time to time I am sure some will show up here on the blog.

Heart Cracks was started many months ago...February.  I work with teenage girls and their families and at times as I listen to their stories I often feel like my heart literally cracks a little.  As I sat in my office after a rough day the beginning of the short story/poem came to me.  I quickly jotted it down and when I got home typed it out and added it to my writing folder.

Where it sat for months.

One July night as I lay in bed the idea for the end of it came to me...so I got up and finished it and then spent several days polishing it and sent it to two friends who are the best proofreaders ever.  I knew I wanted to share it...and decided to share it here at my little home on the internet.

 

The more I have learned about God lately the more I have come to see Him as the Healer of hearts.

Heart Cracks is not autobiographical.  It is however based on many women in my life.  Their heart cracks are there...not where anyone would know...but their story is represented.  So is mine.  Hopefully you too saw a little piece of yourself in it too.

The one thing they all have in common is they chose to let Jesus heal their broken hearts.  It's a lesson I watched over and over in their lives and never really would allow Jesus that access.  Last year I finally allowed that to begin... for Him to pour His love over my wounded heart as a healing balm.

He has poured and poured... and slowly the cracks of my own heart have begun to heal.  I am learning that He uses our brokenness.  He also uses our healing...and oh how much more our heart can hold when He heals it.  :)

It's why I feel ready to put my heart out there again...to take a step of faith...to seek the adventure He has made our lives to be.  Because His love has healed my broken heart.

I truly hope that if you read Heart Cracks that it would touch your heart in some way... whether it be reminding you of others who are hurting, or to remind you He cares so very much about your broken heart and is still pursuing you just waiting to heal you.

He loves us so.  Cracks and all.

Tell Me, What is it You Plan....

Source: sarahlondon.wordpress.com via Christy on Pinterest

 

 

I am not sure yet how to answer this question.  I do know I am working on it and seeking what He would have my purpose...my passion...my wild and precious life to be.

Becoming.  I do know that is what my journey is about right now... and that is enough for me to continue moving foward on this adventure.

 

Wild and precious.  Isn't that a beautiful way to describe this life He has given us. 

 

Do you know what your plan is yet?