Critty Joy

Falling In Love.

I had a friend reading a book.  She kept telling me to get it.

Then one of my dearest friends started reading it and she raved about it.

The book?  Beautiful Outlaw.

I finally ordered it and it came last Tuesday and I read one chapter.

I wept through the chapter as I saw a side of my Jesus I had never thought of.  Never really wanted to think of.  

Life got in the way after that one chapter and today in order to calm my nerves I picked the book back up.

The second chapter made me realize I put Jesus in a box.

A box I think a lot of people put Him in.

I mean He is Jesus.  A part of the triune God.

I had only seen the parts I hear from the Church and others.  A two dimensional Jesus.  Compassionate and Loving.  But truthfully I have always known there is more.  I just did not want to get to know the more.

I am realizing though that I never thought of Jesus as a man.

John Eldredge says this:

"What about his great acts of playfulness, or cunning?  What about his brilliance, his wit, his irreverence, the scandalous freedom with which Jesus lives, his exasperation and impatience?  Not to mention his humanity we have nearly forgotten he was man." page 16, Beautiful Outlaw.

In letting go of my old thoughts and getting to know Him anew I am seeing a man to fall in love with.  

Playful.  Funny.  Sarcastic at times.  Cunning.  Loyal.  Brilliant.  Witty.  

I understand him in his exasperation and impatience.

I think I have always kept the religiousness as a separator.

To keep me from fully falling in love with Him.  

In many ways thinking it would not hurt as much if he did not love me back.  My head knowing the truth already....nothing I do can separate me from him.  He is love.  He loves me.  Just as I am.

My heart so far behind still beating myself up for my past, present, and future indiscretions.

Fear has kept me from fully experiencing Jesus.

John Eldredge goes on to point out that the very thing that makes us love our family and friends, their personality, is something we don't take time to get to know in our Jesus.

When I am reading the Word...I am not thinking of His personality...looking to see what He was like.  I am reading for knowledge or to learn....what?  I am not even sure of any more.  I just did things by rote.  Because it is what I am suppose too.  The good little Christian girl.

I am learning there is more to me.  More to him.  And the mold of good little Christian girl does not fit anymore.

As I read Beautiful Outlaw...I am going to go back and re-read the books that introduced Him to me so long ago.  Matthew. Mark. Luke. John.  I am going to look, really look, deeper and get to know Jesus as he was and is.  His personality quirks.  What made him sad.  What made him laugh.  Who his friends were and why he loved them.  

My heart wants more and is going to get more.

It is going to get Jesus.  Full on no holds barred...JESUS.

I can't wait to fall in love.

Joining with the SDG sisters today at Finding Heaven.

The Journal.

Writing.

It's how I communicate best.

If you want to know how I really feel...write me an email and I will send you one back full of me.  My feelings.  My randomness.  My thoughts.  My frustrations and confusions.  

Earlier this year I started a journal to God.  One night in the midst of pain I grabbed a composition notebook and pencil and I started writing.  For hours I wrote.  Not paying attention to what I was writing really...just writing what was on my heart that I needed to get out.

In all honesty...I started it because I was angry with Him.  I needed to just get how I was feeling out on paper.

Paper and pencil.

They have become a necessary part of my journey this year.

For months I have scribbled my thoughts and prayers to Him.

At times I also avoided the journal because I did not want to deal with how I was feeling.  Sooner or later though I would pick up the notebook and pencil and write.

This weekend as I picked up the notebook I took my first look back at the beginning pages.  Let's just say it was a rough time and tears immediately came to my eyes.

As I read the pages I cried.

My heart was in a painful place.

Page after page I read....

My tears of sorrow became tears of joy as I read.

How my heart changed after I began trusting Him with my whole life instead of just small parts.

Even now days later I am overwhelmed with what He has done this year.   

Freedom.  

And as I reflect on the wonderful things He has given me this year I am so thankful for a composition notebook and a pencil. 

Two simple things that helped bring about change deep within.

He can use anything...even paper and pencil, to help bring us to where we need to be.

There is such beauty in that.

 

What simple thing are you grateful for today?

P.S.  Don't forget about my Dayspring giveaway!  It ends Tuesday night!

 

Joining with the sweet SDG community.

Two Yellow Butterflies.

I spent the first part of my week away with the staff of my current job.

It was a wonderfully bittersweet time.  My last staff retreat.  The days are winding down fast and there will be many more lasts in the next two months.  Some I will rejoice in and some will be the hardest days of my life.

It was a great time away...I was able to enjoy some great teaching and speak with one of my favorite mentor/counselors about what this year has held.  My nights were spent staying up late with my newest and one of my dearest friends.  Girl talk ruled the night as we talked about everything from our lives to work to rating actors on a hottie scale.  

Two things have been forefront in my mind as I settle back into my routine for a little while longer.

My freedom is found in trust.  Trusting Him.  For the first time in my life I am putting complete faith in His plans for me.  As I stood in prayer over another staff member He reminded me what I had asked for this time last year...It was that I would find true freedom.  I have discovered that true freedom lies in trusting Him.  Trust is not easy for me and some days I am absolutely terrified but I know this.....He is not safe.  But He is GOOD.  So I keep moving forward...in trust.

He gives us delightful little gifts just because He loves us.  Tangible beauty that shows us He knows our hearts deeply.  We always spend time as a staff in prayer for one another at the end of the retreat.  I took a few moments to thank those who have journeyed with me over the last 6.5 years then shared my prayer request which was that I would continue to walk in faith and to trust Him.  It was such a beautiful time and it will be treasured in my heart.  As I picked up my purse and walked out the door of the place we had stayed I saw a flutter of yellow... I glanced up and there were two yellow butterflies dancing in the autumn breeze.  That moment made my heart smile.  It felt like a gift from Him saying you are on the right path just keep trusting Me.  I have great plans for you.

 

These two things give me courage to go forward...to continue to pursue the life I have imagined and have the best story He can make of this life of mine.

And when I think of those two yellow butterflies I smile and know... He loves me so.

 

Have you seen tangible beauty from Him lately?

 

(Photo source)

He is for You.

If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31b

If you are broken...He is for you.

If you are bitter...He is for you.

If you are lonely...He is for you.

If you are angry...He is for you.

If you are embattled on every side....He is for you.

If you just can't catch your breathe in the chaos of life...He is for you.

If you are mired in religion...He is for you.

If you have given up hope...He is for you.

If you feel defeated....He is for you.

If you feel beaten down by the world...He is for you.

If you can't take another step in your journey...He is for you.

If you are faithless....He is for you.

If you are grieving....He is for you.

If you are lost and confused...He is for you.

If you are sick...He is for you.

If you are weary...He is for you.

If you all you hear is the enemy's lies screaming at you....He is for you.

If you feel worthless...He is for you.

 

He is for you.

Always.

He is with you.

Always.

 

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 

 

Joining with Jen and the SDG sisterhood today.

Heart Cracks.

(A CJ original writing.  Tomorrow I will have a CJ Backstory post about the story behind this writing.)

 

 

At 8 she is a care free girl with innocence.  She dances through life seeing the beauty and splendor of all that surrounds her.

 

At 10 she sits on the school bus and a girl who was her friend and flounces by the seat and says I don’t want to be your friend any more...you’re not pretty enough.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 13 she sits on the bench outside school looking at a magazine and it tells her that her brown hair is not as pretty as blonde hair.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 14 she sits with friends in their favorite lunch spot and one of her friends tells her she should not eat her dessert she is looking a little fat today.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 15 her first love tells her he met another girl he likes better.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 19 her parents divorce.  Her heart cracks.

 

At 21 she is abused by her boyfriend.  He hurls the most ugly words and they take up residence in her mind and heart.  Her heart cracks.

 

Life continues....

She cannot seem to be enough at college.  Her heart cracks.

She meets the man of her dreams and she thinks he will heal her heart. Her engagement falls apart.  Her heart cracks.

 

It just becomes too much and her heart implodes into a million little pieces.

 

Broken.  It seems forever.  

 

She decides that risking her heart is just too much and vows that no one will ever make it past the wall she puts up.

 

One day she meets Him.

The One.

He pursues her.

He woos her.

He tells her He loves her.

She loves Him.

 

In the silence of the night she hears Him whisper, I want to fix your broken heart.  He tells her that in her brokenness life can be found.  Beauty can be found.

In fear, she runs.  She hides.

It is of no use.

He loves her too much to let her heart stay broken.

He once again pursues her.  Each place she hides He finds her.... And she hears the whispered words over and over again.  

I love you.  Just as you are. 

I love you.  Just as you are.  

I love you.  Just as you are.

His Words become a healing balm to her heart.

She seeks His help more and more as the days go by.  

She discovers His Word.... She discovers friends of her heart.  He brings things into her life that show her among the pain there is beauty.

Slowly each piece of her broken heart is mended back together by His Hands.

It looks or feels nothing like it did before.

She feels stronger.

More courageous.

 

She ventures out again.

Risking her heart...

 

 

The Question Marks Over My Head.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and was telling her how I was having a hard time adjusting to this chapter in my life.  She shared something and then said she felt like she had questions marks all around her head.  I immediately pictured myself as a cartoon with question marks over my head and realized how accurate that picture is right now of my life.

I am full of questions...in my heart mostly. 

Unfortunately the more I read Desire and do the workbook...the more questions seem to pop up.

It's a very weird and unsettling place to be.

I am realizing how much I thought I was in control.  

HA!

It's funny to me now to know I thought I was in complete control of my life.

What a lie I was telling myself.

Control is such a false illusion.  

Of course it leads to more of those question marks over my head.

Part of me wants each of these question answered...and the sooner the better.  

My schedule. My time. Control.

As I sat Thursday night in my comfy chair pencil in hand, journal open ready to scribble some of these questions on paper and work on answering them....

It occured to me maybe some of the questions are there to remind me I am not in control and my timing? Not the same as His.  My answers?  Not the same as His.

Faith and Trust.

The two very things He is teaching me about in this chapter of my story.

Faith in Him that His timing is perfect and there is another step right under my foot as I move forward.

Trust that His plans are the best plans and the His love is constant.

He wants me to be okay with the unanswered questions because He already knows the answers.

I just have to trust Him.  

So the question marks remain... and I sit in the quiet...

and Trust.

 

Have a lovely weekend dear ones.

Psst....I am going to share an original writing on Monday.  

Live Life Daringly.

I am not a risk taker.

I don't do roller coasters or anything the least bit daring.

Over the years I have just convinced myself that this is the way life is.

If you had asked me a few years ago if faith meant risk and daring I would have laughed and said no way.

For years I thought faith was simple.  Comfortable.  Like your favorite pajamas.  It just fit...soft and perfect.  Truthfully I like to have my faith controlled....by me.

On my journey to freedom this year I have found this to be far from true.

When I made some hard decisions a few months ago they were full of risk.  Completely out of my control....daring risks.  I don't do well when I am not in control.  Add in choices that involve risk.  Terrified is the word that comes to mind.

The past few months have been hard. Harder than I thought...but at the same time I don't know a time when I have felt more alive.

He has taught me that faith is risky.  It's suppose to be.  We take step after step... and in faith we trust that the next step is there because He is who He says He is.  

Beliving in Him.  Knowing Him.  Trusting Him.  

He is faithful.

For me to be faithful to Him it means taking steps and not knowing where my foot is going to land.  It means trusting that He knows best and He is in control.  It means knowing He is there beside me....and I keep moving foward writing my story one chapter at a time.

 

Excitement and Terror war within my heart.

I am completely excited for the new things He has in store for me.

I am also completely terrifed of the new things He has in store for me.

 

More than anything over the last few months I have learned that to truly live you have to take daring risks.  To move forward... to be brave enough to know what is coming is more important than fear.

I want to be fully alive in this time He has given me.  I want to help Him write my story. One that is full of the colors of love and broad strokes of risks, courage, excitement, terror, and LIFE.

I want to live life daringly.

I must become a risk taker.  I want more.  I want the adventure He has made life to be.  

Live. Life. Daringly.  

Are you?  Can you?  Will you?

 

Joining Jen and the SDG ladies today.

Tell Me, What is it You Plan....

Source: sarahlondon.wordpress.com via Christy on Pinterest

 

 

I am not sure yet how to answer this question.  I do know I am working on it and seeking what He would have my purpose...my passion...my wild and precious life to be.

Becoming.  I do know that is what my journey is about right now... and that is enough for me to continue moving foward on this adventure.

 

Wild and precious.  Isn't that a beautiful way to describe this life He has given us. 

 

Do you know what your plan is yet?

Far Better Things Ahead.

(click on the image and it will open in a separate window so that you can save it to your computer!)

 

11 words.  That is all that quote is.  Yet those words have helped me through some freak out moments of "what was I thinking?!!?!" over the last few weeks.

When God ask us to step out on faith we know it is not going to be easy.  It's not suppose to be.  Faith is having trust and letting go of control.  Two very hard things for me.

In my quest to live in the present I still have a tendency at times to get caught up in the past or future.  Of course when we get caught up in those is it usually the good?  Unfortunately not!  

More often than not if I worry it is about my future.  What am I going to do in January?  If He is asking me to move...where?  How will I know what is His will or my own?  Really the questions can be endless.

However, I do know this.  He is not going to ask me to do anything that is going to harm me or hurt me.  He works everything together for my good because I do love Him.  I am seeking His face for my today and my tomorrow.

I also know that... no matter what... my journey ahead is going to be better because He is involved.  

So know, dear ones, if you are having a tough time or feel discouraged or terrified or alone...there are FAR better things ahead than any we leave behind.

The Art of Living.

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This quote has been a favorite for several weeks.  It reminded me of what I am learning about living... and it reminds me that steps of faith are about trust.

I often ask God to take the hard things away.  Or to illuminate my path so I can see more than a step ahead of me.

When I read this quote I realized the art of living is faith and living in the now.

Faith is trusting in God enough to know that whatever comes ahead you can handle.  Why?  Becuase He is in complete control.  

Faith means at times being kept in the dark with just the light surrounding you...not being able to see in front of you....or behind you.  It's about living in the now.  This moment.  Not yesterday.  Not tomorrow.

NOW.

He is only going to illuminate a small part of our journey at a time.  So that we can see it for what it is and experience it.  

 
I have lived so much of my life trying to squint my eyes into the darkness of the past and the future that I have not experienced the now.  What He has illuminated before me.  I have missed moments of beauty and joy...of sorrow and pain...of faith and growth.  I have missed moments full of Him.

There is no use to look to the past of the future.  They are not your life.... This day.  This moment.  This is your life.  Look around and see the beauty of it as the Light illumniates it...because if you don't...you might miss the very thing He wants you to see most. 

 

I have learned that living for today is about freedom.  It's letting go of the cumberances of your past and your future.  It's freeing yourself up to see the moments that He has given you in the now.

 

We only have one life.  

Be happy in the light of now Peaches.  

Make each moment count...and enjoy the art of living.

It's worth every second.