Critty Joy

When Adventure Takes Over....

Why Hello there dear ones!

I must admit I did not mean to abandon this little ole bloggy but life's been...an adventure as of late.  

It's very strange to be so very happy after nine months of really hard things.  Some days it scares me to be this happy yet I choose to embrace it and live life fully.

Oh... why so happy?

Well.

The job?  It's amazing.  I love it.  I work with some amazing people and am enjoying all aspects of it.  It feels like a perfect fit.  Just over a month in and I am overwhelmed with the goodness of it all.  I wake up excited for work and it's been a long time since I felt that way (years!).  

Having my own place is also fabulous.  I am enjoying making it a home each small step at a time.  (saving money for things like a dining room table are a dream come true!).  It already feels like home and I know in the coming months it will become even more my own space that reflects who I am.

And...

There is a guy.  Who is pretty amazing and he makes my life so much more fun.  He is good at getting me out of my comfort zone and he's wonderfully sweet to me.  

Life is lovely.

I feel like this quote has been the beauty of my life lately.  This year has been about giving up dreams and gaining new ones... it's been about hoping when things felt so hopeless.  It's been about choosing joy on the hard days.  It's been full of choosing trust and even on the most frustrating days.

A year of dare...that has turned out to be more than I could have ever imagined.

I am so grateful for the gift that has been this year...the beauty that has come from ashes and the hope that has sprung forth in the most unusual of ways.

I am not sure what this blog will look like for a while...as I try to navigate my new chapter of life.   

I will still be around on facebook and twitter as I try to figure out what this space will become.  Know that I think of y'all often dear ones!

My hope is that each of you are well... what has been going on with YOU lately?

 

Much love,

 

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A Wild Adventure....

Love Does by Bob Goff.

Reality and The Sea.

An Angry Silence.

Confession:  I haven't talked to God in a week.

Well unless I count those many, many journal pages of scribbled writing full of some many emotions.

It didn't start intentionally but it's what I do when I am angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused.

My heart was so full of questions I felt as if nothing else could fit.

I withdrew.  (and yes...I also avoid at times.)

I retreated into myself and became quiet.

It's one reason why the blog has been quiet.

I'm going to be honest and say I don't feel bad about not talking to God.

It's how I needed to deal with things for a while.

Here is what I do know. 

If I cannot be my true self with God I cannot be my true self with anyone else in my life.

To be angry at Him....is okay.

To not talk to Him a few days to get a few things straight within myself.... is okay.

I have to be willing to let Him work and I wasn't there yet.

I needed the silence.

I had to have to time to sort out how I was really feeling and not what I should have been feeling.

God wants us to trust Him.

That means complete and utter honesty in all things.

Even in angry silence.

Even more amazing....He. Understands.

He knows my need for silence and time to myself.

I think He even understands our pity parties at times.

It's how we process... it's how we feel those emotions we need to feel...and then we get to move forward.

I am learning...truly learning... God accepts us just as we are.  He accepts that angry silence for a few days to give us a chance to withdraw and just be...well...emotional.

For so long I have let my relationship with God be what others told me it would be.

This angry silence is a freedom for me.

A freedom in trusting that He accepts every single part of me.... even the part of me that is angry at Him and needed to be quiet...just for a bit.

The silence was broken in the beauty of a drive on a curvy road in silence and with the quiet whispers of my heart.  I didn't say much but my heart is open.

The questions remain.  So does the hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion.  My heart feels very messy and very raw.

However...my heart is also ready for what He has planned because I trust Him and His love.

And that's enough.

 

Joining Jen and the SDG sisters today.

The Back and Forth.

Last week I listed my struggles in my journal.

Every single one I could think of I wrote it down.

It's a bit hard to see a list of things that seem impossible to overcome.

Yet...I needed to write them down...and then lay them down.

I am terrible at laying things down before Him.  

My struggles usually are head vs. heart...or the hope and despair kind.

My head and heart struggles are no a given day... my worth, my weight, negative thoughts, fear, trust....

The hope and despair are often of the waiting in so many areas,  being alone vs loneliness, fear, trust....

Some days as I prepare for bed I wonder why I am so exhausted and realize at times it is because of fighting so hard.

This year, my year of dare, is also about daring to trust Him in all things.

While I am working on it I still try most days to do it in my own strength.

Never has that been more apparent that this last week as I try to wait patiently to see if I got this job I want so badly.

Morning time would be praying and giving it over to Him....

by 2 p.m. I would have take the problem back and wrestle between hope that I would get it but telling myself all the positive things about the interview and my skills...and the despair in telling myself I had to be kidding there was no way I would get it...by tearing myself down and assuming the worst.

Then later in the quiet I would lay it back down at His feet....

The back and forth.

It's exhausting.

And I must decide to fully trust or continue to be exhausted and weary.

I feel such peace when I lay things down before Him... yet I like control and want to control (okay I want the illusion of control) in my life.

It's funny how one little revelation snowballs until you see before you that most of your struggles originate from one place...

and that that thing you thought you had a come a long way in...that trust thing... is still a big work in progress.

As for the waiting thing... my friend, Amanda, tweeted this verse and it's my Word to cling to this week.

Yes.  This waiting is hard. And maybe I need a perspective shift as to what I am waiting on and for.  Something I will be thinking about and praying on this week.

And my list of struggles....I will see them in my journal often and remember that I am laying them down because I trust Him.  Because He knows me better than even I know myself.

I am going to work on that being enough.

 

What Word are you clinging too this week?

 

P.S.  Thank you SO much for your kind words on my new endeavor, Delighted Designs.  Also if you are interested in guesting during my series on prayer please email me!  I would adore you visiting my internet home with your words.  <3

The Hope. :: Part 5.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

Part 4.

Today's part of the story is what I am currently going through.   It's the end of sorts...but also a beginning.

2 weeks ago after several really rough weeks I spent the weekend quietly in some ways yet it was busy.  Through it all a song lyric came to mind often.  Hold on to hope, love.  

The more I thought about it the more I realized it was something I needed to do.

To just hold on to hope.  To choose every single day to hope.

I was not sure it would make a difference... but it has.

So. Much.

As I have processed through some thing I have realized something...

There is beautiful hope in brokenness.

I have been broken and laid bare this year.  Even experiencing the beauty of freedom... there is still brokenness.  Yet there.  In my brokenness is where I see Him the most.

That's the thing about being broken and laid bare. In all those pieces you can truly see the lies, the walls, every single hurt, all the things that and in seeing it for what it truly is... You see Him.  The One ready to start picking up those pieces and putting them back together.

Oh not the same as it was.

Because once you've been broken the pieces no longer fit together as they once did. He takes each piece walks through that brokenness with you and places it back in you.   It's different.

But then again an encounter with Him should never leave us the same.

We are made new in our brokenness.  

Once we encounter Him.... our brokenness becomes something more.

Something He can use.

And He does.

Hope in my brokenness.  

Hope has helped me accept the brokenness, the numbness, the pain, and the freedom.

Hope is what I choose.  Sometimes it is a daily choice.  A choice that some days I have to make over and over and over.

But it has been so worth it.

So if you are struggling today...

Hold on to hope, love.

 

The Freedom. :: Part 4

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

As I look back I am fascinated my my one word for each year since 2009.

Journey.

Hope.

Freedom.

Dare.

 

After the brokenness, the pain, and the numbness I began to realize there was so much more to my life than what I was living.  My journey started learning that life was indeed a journey and on that journey you needed hope.  2011 was a year of freedom and it was bigger than I could have ever imagined.  The reason I could finally focus and begin my journey toward freedom was that I had accepted the brokenness and the pain.  It was a part of me and made me who I was.  I was stronger because of it...because He was in it the midst of it.

I let go of so many things.  Lies that I had believe for so long like I was unworthy of love.  Trust is still a bit harder for me but I give it to those I am closest to.  Friends and family who invaded my heart and would not let me go.

Freedom has taken the form of steps of faith.  Of conquering fear with truth and being brave in spite of not feeling it.

I let go of baggage and a job and expectations and religion.

I found peace, joy, and a lightness to my heart I never thought I would feel.

Freedom found in Him is true freedom.

It's the freedom that you can literally feel in your heart.

I always wished for that freedom.  Now I realize I had to take the journey He had for me to get there.

It was hard.  At times I wanted to give up.  At times I wanted to just curl up in a ball and wish the world away through my tears.

I wanted Him to make it easy.

I wanted Him to just fix it.  To mend all those pieces together and let me be.

He does not work that way.  

Brokenness is meant to bring us closer to Him.  (more on this in the last post tomorrow!)

And slowly... I have seen His timing for this is perfect.  His purpose shines through and I get to experience the beauty of freedom.

The beauty I knew would come.

I just had to wait.

Freedom was my coming beauty.

Now He gives me something even more beautiful to look to...

The Pain. :: Part 3.

Part 1.

Part 2.

 

(via pinterest)

In February of 2009 I saw my counselor/mentor and we had a real talk for the first time.

Real meaning I finally let her in just a smidge.  

By the end she suggested I come visit her over Spring Break and work through some more things. (she lives in another state) 

Did I go?  I knew she would delve deeply and ask some hard things and I would have to talk.  

Talking meant feeling.

It also meant accepting my life as it was.

The thing about being numb is that you don't have to accept anything... and it had been nice not accepting the truth.

So I went to see her during Spring Break.  Along with her and another counselor I spent some time digging deep.  It was terrifying and one of hte hardest things I have done in my life.  I cried so hard and so long I physically hurt.

By the end I had beautiful words spoken over me and I had at least acknowledged some truths.

Abuse.

Lack of trust.

Co-dependency.

Accepting lies as truth.

Anger, lies, manipulation.

Realizing I had built my own world in my mind and for years had thought it was perfect.  It was...because it was not real.

 

After that spring break I took months work through what I had heard and began to slowly accept some of it.

Near the end of the year I realized I needed more help.  Weekly help in the form of a counselor.

While I had accepted some things....the pain was intense and I was unsure of what to do with it.  I knew I needed to feel it and to find a way to move forward.

I realize now I was probably depressed. 

I let myself feel and now it was time to figure out what was next.

As a counselor I was pretty picky about criteria for a counselor.  I really wanted a woman.

Unfortunately living in a small town it's not like there were a lot of choices.

I finally decided to go one time to see G.  So in early 2010 I made an appointment.

Truthfully I went into the whole thing with a bad attitude.  It was not what I wanted and I was ticked.

My first session with G lasted for over two hours.  I told my story in halting details and with a lot of tears.

At the end it was what I needed.

A gift.  God had given me a gift...it was not what I wanted but He had given me what I needed most.

I met with G weekly.... and even better not only did he listen and help me see how to move forward he also used my gifts to help me work through some things.  My creativity became even more apart of who I was.

Soon it became bi-weekly and then as needed.

The brokenness had become numbness and then pain... and now I was on my way to something more....

The Numbness. :: Part 2.

(Part 1)

After graduation I moved back home.  My parents were back together and I was starting a new job where I was going to get to use the degree I had worked so hard for.

It was a tension filled few weeks.

Mum and I along with my sister-in-law (she was just my brother's girlfriend at the time) went with some of our extended family to Disney World.

It was lovely but there was such a heaviness.

Something was coming.

I just knew it.

We got home late and I knew.

My Dad had left and for good this time.  

For me it was a relief.  For my Mom is was devastating.

He chose to let her know over the phone.  In which for the first time in my life (and actually the only time) I grabbed that phone and let him have it.  It was and is the ugliest thing I have ever done.

For moments I felt again.

The rage was intense and real and so ugly.

And it was over and I sat there shaking... and then...

the numbness came over me again.

It's hard to realize how long I let myself stay numb.

Not days.

Not weeks.

Years.

I acted as if everything was okay for more than 3 years.  

Inside I felt nothing.

Happiness.  Saddness.  

They were fleeting and I just moved day to day as if I had no purpose.

It was as if ice had taken over my heart.

Those pieces frozen in place.

In 2008 God brought a mentor into my life.  She was truthful from the begining.

I remember vividly her telling me, Christy you are not okay.

It would be a long year before I finally grasp that truth.

Honestly when I look back being numb was the easy part.  I did the bare minimum of things to be a part of my own life.  It's easy not to care.  No one can really hurt you, there are no expectations,  you exisit but you don't really live.  

I was not ready to accept emotions again so even though I had been told the truth.... I chose to wait.

Turns out I can wait patiently when it's my choice...but when it's His choice...well that gets difficult.

So the numbness settled around my heart again...

The Brokenness :: Part 1.

(For the last two weeks it has been heavy on my heart to write this story... a huge part of my story.  I am not sure how many days it will be but this is the beginning...)

In 2005 I experienced one of the highlights of my life and the lowest point of my life.

Sadly that one thing colored my whole year... and often we jokingly call it my year of hell because it was and is still the hardest year I have ever had in my life.

One February evening in my dorm I had watched a show with one of my best friends, A, and she had left to go practice for intramurals.  

The phone rang and it said home....picking it up it was not my Mum but my aunt.

My Mum had found out some devastating new and they just wanted me to know...

My Dad had been having an affair for many years.  (this was the tip of the iceberg but not what this story is about so I will only be sharing this detail)

In moments the life I thought I knew came crashing down before me.

I am a private person so I only felt comfortable calling a 2 people.  My best friends A and B.  (yes...together we were A, B, C!)  B was in town doing ministry so I left a message and A came back immediately to my room.

I told her in halting sentences and then we sat in silence where she just played with my hair and I tried to absorb what was going on.

For several days I sat on the couch in our small dorm watching television, not sleeping, and not eating.  Talking to my Mom every chance I could.  

A and B sat with me, if I even mentioned something might taste good they would go find it.  Most often they just sat quietly with me (playing with my hair....not sure why I find it comforting but I do) and just being a constant in my life.

My RD (resident director) at the time was a darling lady who came to check on me every day and one day brought a miniature rose plant because I needed a small reminder of beauty in my world.

I met my Mom halfway between school and home that Saturday and we talked and she made sure I stayed in school.  It was hard.

I was so broken.

As the week progressed and more came out I realized how much of the life I thought of as mine was really....

a lie.

I cried.  I raged.  

It was just so much to take in.

It was as if I had been shattered into a thousand pieces and I had no idea how to even move from that point.

I was a mess.

Yet I continued.  It was 3 months until graduation.  I was almost finished with college.  I could do it.  

Graduation finally came and it was not the day I wanted. For years I would resent that the day I had worked so hard to achieve was one filled with utter disappointment and hurt. Filled with more lies and tension.... I just wanted it to be over. 

Then it was.

And all that was left was the numbness.

4 Sided Comfort.

 

Sometimes made of bricks and mortar from years of hurt.

 

Sometimes made of cement from a hurt that scarred so deeply ones world fell apart.

We think it protects us.

This box.  This 4 sided comfort.

And to a certain extent it does.

Often we don't know we live in our own box until something or someone helps us see it.

I have been thinking about my own box lately after a conversation I had with a co-worker on my last day of work at my old job.

I know at least one side of my box was made of brick and mortar as it took a year from seeing myself in my box to taking one side of it down.  (If you want to know about my journey toward breaking down one side of my box you read about it here, here, and here.) 

I must admit at times fear still comes with the fact that with one side of my box gone...I feel exposed and less comfortable.

At the same time it's opened my heart and mind and helped me see Him differently and know Him deeper.

My co-worker expressed to me that he was sad to see me go because he felt like it had just been in the last 6 months (the length of time my notice was) he had really gotten to know me.

I told him the reason was because in my box...no one could really and truly know me.  The thing about a box is no one fits in it but you.

Not even God.

(Plus if you put God in a box too...that's 2 thick walls to get through to know Him...and to know you!)

Once you take down one side of your box....others can see in.

He can see in.

There is an exposure.  People truly see...YOU.  

Breaking down one side of your box means getting comfortable with a few things....your flaws.  Your humanity.  You sin and brokenness.    It also means getting uncomfortable with a great deal of things.  

It's not been an easy thing...breaking down a side of my 4 sided comfort.

At the same time I think over the past 2 years and see a girl who can say she has take brave steps and shown courage.

Then I think to those other three sides of comfort and hope this journey toward freedom continues.

Thinking of a life box free...and uncomfortable... is terrifyingly exciting.

Even more... I have discovered that living a life that borders on terrified excitement is a life worth daring to live.

Since I am choosing dares and risks this year.  I think I am going to work on that next side of comfort.

Do you live in four sided comfort?  Or are you breaking down those sides of your own box?

 

Joining with the SDG sisters at Jen's.

 

Don't forget about As of Late this Thursday! :)

A Reflection on My Year of Freedom.

I cannot believe it's almost been a year.... my journey toward freedom...it seems as if it just started and yet here I am and at such a different place... and one I am forever grateful for. I had no idea what He had in store when this One Word journey started!

I actually went back through and read all the posts I had marked with freedom.  Each post a reminder of what He has done and what He continues to do.

Several things come to mind when I ponder on this year.  Things that I learned and that I hope to always keep in my heart.

-- True freedom is found when you trust Him...wholly and completely.

-- He is not safe...but He is GOOD.

-- Being brave and courageous doesn't mean not being afraid but rather doing something in spite of the fear because you have deemed it more important than your fear.

-- Faith is not meant to be safe...we are meant to take risks.  He did.

-- Life is an adventure and it is meant to be lived daringly.

-- There are far better things ahead than what I am leaving behind.  We are meant to move forward and not look back for the past is gone.

-- Be present in my daily life.  Stop looking to the past for it is already gone and the future?  It has not come yet.  We have only this day and I need to live it to the fullest.

This year was a year of making decisions in spite of fear... having courage to do what I needed to do and what He has been asking me to do.

-- I quit my nice safe and very comfortable job.  My last day is 12/15.  When I gave my resignation that date seemed so far away.  I will say a 6 month notice is one of the hardest things ever... a very long season of wait.

-- Waiting has been a theme this year... and I am learing to trust in His timing...knowing He has my very best interest at heart.

-- I opened up my heart and He has started healing some things that have long been broken and that I hid behind.

-- I started letting go of baggage I had long carried.

-- I started tearing down the walls of the box I had lived in for so long because I liked safe and comfortable.

-- I opened my heart to allow Him to direct my steps and He is leading me to Nashville at some point in 2012. 

--  You can be both terrified and excited all at once!

-- I started trusting Him completely... for first time in my life.

And this journey?  It inspired a whole series on Becoming.

Because I have been becoming the preson I am meant to be.  

Letting go... growing... waiting... learning...listening....

 

And as the December days slip by and we get closer to a new year (and a new word!) I am so thankful for my word this year.  For the journey it has taken me on....and for getting to know Him deeper and more intimately than I thought possible.

I am learning how to fly.

And that?

Is true freedom.

Linking up with Grit and Glory's One Word Community and at Jen's for our SDG sisterhood.

image via pinterest.