Critty Joy

One Word 2017

Hello Lovelies!

It’s been a busy two weeks!  I started back to work, the RAs came back and we had training, the students moved back in and it’s been very busy.  Thankfully after this week things will slow down to a somewhat normal pace for higher ed.  At least I can say my job is never boring!

During this time I have been waiting for my one word for 2017.  I was honestly getting disappointed and discouraged that a word had not come. I have had a word for my year since 2009: journey, hope, freedom, dare, embrace, grace, wholehearted, bloom…. Each has significantly shaped my life and my story.  To not have a word this year was disheartening but I knew God must be doing something…

One night I was catching up on some blogs and read Sarah Bessey’s blog about her word.  She mentioned her words in the past and one stuck out in particular so I clicked on the link and proceeded to cry through the whole post because it spoke to my heart so…and then I knew my word….or rather words…

Hebrews 10:23 says… Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. (NRSV)

Hope has long been something I cling to.  And the last 9 months have been so hard and I have tried to hold onto hope.

As I read Sarah’s post I ugly cried because it was right where I was at.

Discouraged.

Desperate.

Overwhelmed.

Lost.

After I read the verse it hit me…even in the midst of the hard parts of life…He is faithful.  Always.

I needed to keep holding…but more than that hold fast to my confession of hope.  Hold fast to my knowledge that He is faithful.

Sarah went on to say this:

“He is faithful. Hold fast to hope.

Hold fast is an old sailing term, too – tying knots that hold tightly for instance. It means to remain steadfast and immovable, to cling to and adhere, to attach. For the sake of survival and safe passage to the new land, we hold fast … to hope.”

By definition hold fast means: remain tightly secure; continue to believe in or adhere to an idea or principle.

Right now things are hard.  Some I can’t mention yet and we also received really hard news this week we are still processing.  I am tired.  I am discouraged.

But I am holding fast.

To hope.

To belief in who He is.

To knowledge He is faithful.

To the love He has for me.

So let me encourage you if you too are struggling… disheartened…discouraged.

Hold Fast.

Do you have a word for this year dear ones?  I would love to hear all about it!

 

(PS...I have some fun news to share in my next post!)

Back to Reality...

Well technically....day 2.  ;)

 

Hello!

I hope you had a most delightful holiday season!

Sigh.  Tomorrow it is back to work for me.  I have been off work since December 22. It's a perk of working in higher education!  I would tell you all the glorious things I did while at home but alas I spent most of my time off in bed with the crud.  Given to me by the husband.  I did get to snuggle with my cat so that was the upside to things.  I also may have watched way too many Hallmark Christmas movies! I slept most of Christmas day which is sad for me...but I did manage to feel better in time for New Years Eve...although we stayed in our pajamas all day and watched things like NCIS LA and Chrisley Knows Best.  We know how to party I tell you.

I have been doing little things like working on my book list for this year, trying to figure out my one word, and making a list of topics to blog about so I can be more proactive with writing this year.

I must admit to feeling a little off on this second day of 2017.  By now I usually know my goals, have my word, and planning how to meet them.  I think part of the reason is because I have set goals the last few years and did not succeed.  So no big goals this year.  Just my one word, the reading challenges, and writing. 

Last year was hard.  HARD.  I was not sad to see it go but with that I think I am looking to take small steps into this new year.  I'm slightly afraid of what it will hold but also I have hope that good things will come.  Some years are bitter.  Some years are sweet.  And some are bitterly sweet.  I am still having some trouble accepting some of the bitter from last year. I will be working on letting it go this week as I do not want last year to overshadow this year.  Simple things that bring delight to my heart is how I am going to work on this.  Of course that might have to wait until next week as the next few days will be crazy as we gear up to start a new semester!

There is an unsettledness in my heart.  Anxiety had made for a few sleepless nights and I feel a stirring.  I have these hopes and dreams I buried a long time ago that keep surfacing and I am not sure what that looks like.  Have you ever had those times of unsettledness?  I feel quiet but not because I don't want to say anything...more because I just don't know yet what the stirring is.  It's an uncomfortable place but I have found in the last few years those uncomfortable places are where He often meets me.  I have prayed hard over the last few days for clarity and wisdom.  I am thankful He knows what is stirring and that he will reveal it in time.  I can be a bit impatient...so I'll just be praying and biting my fingernails off.

Oh I kid about the fingernails. 

I hope.

Thankfully we are on page two of a brand new book.  A new story is just waiting to be written.  I may be unsettled and uncomfortable but at least I know who my co-author is and He is pretty darn trust-worthy!

How was your holiday dear ones and how is the start of your new year?

 

Reality and The Sea.

Hello Lovelies!

First... prepare for randomness.  ;)

So.  It's back to reality this week.  I must admit my heart is very much missing the beach.  I think if I could live there I would.  There is something wonderfully peaceful about it.  The mountains are beautiful but the beach will always have my heart.  :)

The last few days of vacation were lovely.

I did catch the sunrise our last full day there....

I was also able to have dinner with my sweet friend Alison.  It's so fun to meet your internet friends and they become real life friends.  

And then I had the best dessert ever.  French macarons.

And here we are back to reality and lots of job searching and trying to figure things out.

I usually am ready to come home after vacation but this time I feel like I left a part of my heart at the sea.  I posted this quote on FB, "The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.” --Isak Dinesen.  I found it especially true as I often sat at the ocean staring out into it's vastness, just taking it in.  I think that is why I feel as if a part of my heart is still there because for the first time in a long time my heart was peaceful and quiet.  Just enjoying the moments and soaking in the beauty.

Maybe part of me wants to be at the beach because it isn't reality.  It's easy to forget how hard life is right now.  No job searching.  No stress about money.  No worrying about what I want to do.  

Just being.

Reality intruded so quickly this week.

I found it so easy to hope with the sand beneath my feet, the wind blowing my hair, and the sound of the waves crashing crashing on the shore.  

Now I find myself trying to grasp it and it feels like it is slipping away.

Frustration came quickly.  Confusion at what He is doing and what He wants me to do.

Hopelessness.

Sadness.  (The 18th marked 2 years since my darling Memaw passed away...grief is a sneaky thing...)

It happens so quickly....the feelings bombarding your heart.  Truthfully I have been thinking of YOU, yes, you...the ones who know the frustrations, the confusion, the sadness, and the hopelessness.  Maybe because I know how hard it is and how much it hurts... just know you are not alone.  <3

So this week I am going to work hard on two things... holding on to hope even when I feel it slipping through my fingers and looking for beauty.  

Because I know I have to keep trying to see the beauty and hope.  To know He has a plan and His timing is better than mine (I keep having to convince myself of this...ha!) and that there is a purpose for all of this.

So that's where I am.... How are you lovelies?  What are you going to be work on this week?

 

Hope on the Rocks.

Truthfully I wish I could tell you I haven't been writing because life has been so busy being lovely and full of beauty and fabulous things.

Life is rough.  

 Yet He is still showing me and teaching me... even when I don't necessarily want to see Him or learn.  

On Sunday as I cooked dinner on the grill I walked over to talk to my dog as she was erhm demanding some attention from the fence.  As I walked by our less than kept flower bed I thought I saw something shine.

Ignoring it I kept walking.

After a few minutes doting on Sami I walked back toward the grill.

Again...something shiny within the rocks caught my eye and I stopped. 

There in the middle of the rocks was a shiny round stone.

A red stone.....

 

I struggle with hope.

When do I hope for something?  When do I give up that hope and just move on?  

How do I know when my hopes are the same as His?

 Those questions have stirred in my heart often.

 

As I have pondered over the events that occurred during this week so many years ago I have though of Jesus and his humanity.

In particular I have thought of that scene in the Garden.  That scene that now I see as a man, not God, struggling with the task ahead of Him.

A man who fully understood the feelings of hopelessness and confusion and frustration and weariness and pain.

Yet He believed in His Father and His Father's love.  He trusted Him to make this right.  For it all to come together and be the perfect plan.

 

Tonight because of my own error I had to make a very late errand run.

As I drove I talked with Him and told Him of how I felt and why and I just laid it out there...again.

 

Quietly I hear....Christy, did you think that red stone was a coincidence?

I sat there... thankful for the stop light and wondered what He could be trying to tell me.

 

Slowly it came.

 

With blood the highest random was paid.

With blood rescue came.

With blood hope was restored.

With blood love was found.

With blood we are made whole.

 

I thought of that Friday night so many years ago.

Of all those who loved Him and did not understand.  

He was dead.

Hope was gone.  

Rescue was impossible.

Love was lost.

Brokenness for them all.

 

How hopeless they must have felt that night.

 

I know something they did not.

Something I have a tendency to forget.

 

Sunday came.

Sunday IS HERE.

He was resurrected.

He defeated death.

He was ALIVE.

He IS alive.

 

Their hope was restored.

Their rescue came.

Their brokenness mended.

Their love found.

And what is so amazing is they had no idea....that was just the beginning!

 

Even though it was 11:30 when I got home I went out to the flower bed and grabbed that red stone.

And I held it tightly in my hand and I thanked Him.  For His suffering, His sacrifice, and His unending love.

 

So while I might think things are hopeless and I feel like His followers that Friday night.  

I am clinging to the knowledge that He understands and trusting He will make this right.

It may not be the right I want but it will be the one I need.

 

I remember the Cross this week.

I remember the tomb.

I remember the nail scarred hands that Thomas had to touch to believe.

I remember He lives.

 

And I remember....there is hope.

Chasing Lions.

I have been thinking a lot about complacency lately.

How easily it consumes my life.

Complacency is so easy to exist in.... no risks, no worries, no one demanding too much.  

No fear.  Because there is nothing you are doing to be scared of.

I came across a quote a few days ago that fascinated me and shook me up some.

Stepping out on faith is like chasing lions.

What a thought.

And well... a scary one at that!

Lions are big and scary...and can hurt.

Funny thing is...so is life.

It's making a decision of sitting in complacency or chasing lions.

The root of this has been this question for me:  Am I willing to fight for my story?

My story, a life written by Holy hands.

I spend so much time wishing my life was different.

I spend so much time planning and scheduling my life.

I spend so much time doing everything else but living.

Living out my story.

Living out the adventure.

 

What do I want my legacy to be?

A life lived in complacency.

Or.

A life lived chasing lions.  Chasing the life He and I have dreamed of...together.

With the question of fighting with my story I read this quote and am overcome with the fact that in my life of ccomplacency I also rob Him of the glory He deserves.  The glory my life, my story can bring to Him.

A story He is waiting to write.  Waiting for me to take that step.  To say...I trust you.  I have faith that you have written the best story for me and even though I am scared.... it will be worth it.

I want my story to be full of chasing lions, seeking adventure, fear and excitement, steps of faith, and trust.

Dare I chase lions?

Yes.

Yes, I think I will.

 

What do you want from your story?

 

The Struggle of Wait.

Sometimes I just have to post an honest post.  A... here's my struggle post.

You know the one where you just put it out there and hope maybe someone... at least one person...gets it and says oh girl... I know.

The first two weeks of January were lovely.  Busy... my new job going well... life was fab. Dreaming.  Writing.  Laughing.

I think I was able to distract myself from the waiting that is a big part of my life.

Waiting for SO many things.  Hope gets harder for me at times in the waiting.

The last week has been hard.

I want so much for things to be different and I pray.  His answer remains the same.

Wait.

I got a phone call from a dear friend telling me of a job opening that is full time and totally up my alley.  Like... perfection.

It's here.  In my hometown.

It pays well and it is something I enjoy.

I couldn't not put in an application...so I applied.  And now I wait.

My heart is torn.  I would really enjoy this job but at the same time I really, really want to move.  I need new community, new experiences, a place of my own.  I have felt that tugging in my spirit for years...and finally feel...well, ready.

Frustrated.  Confused.  

If there is anything I dislike more it's those two feelings.

It's pervaded so many areas of my life over the last week.

Tonight I ran across a piece of art that reminded me that while my plans are many His purpose will prevail.

As much as I am struggling right now I am trying to remember while I want those other things....I want His purpose in my life more.  I want the dreams He has placed in my heart fulfilled.

I am talking comfort in His word this week.  And in the love of friends who understand and listen.  And in laughter and guilty pleasure television.  The small things. 

 

When is the last time you were struggling in a major way?

 

Joining in with Jen and the SDG sisters.

My Heart Overflows.

with gratitude.  I suppose it's normal to count your blessings in the days before Thanksgiving...but this year I have spent a great deal of time in a reflective mood.  Pondering all the gifts He has given me.  My heart?  It is filled to overflowing when I think of the gifts.  Little things.  Big things.  Gifts for the journey.

 

A fabulous family and a sassy niece who brightens every day of my life.

Friends who are authentic and real and who ask hard questions and encourage my heart.  

Heart friends.  The deepest of friends who are like sisters.

The painful days.

The beautiful days.

Rainy nights full of favorite things.

A new perspective.

Random thinking of you and praying for you emails and texts.

Love.  

Grace.

Serving others.

Captured moments.

Memories of those loved and lost.

Butterflies and becoming.

New opportunities.

Freedom.

Courage and doing it afraid.

Laughter.

A faithful furry companion... and her talkative meows.

Creativity.

Composition notebooks and pencils.

Books...and my kindle.  Great stories.

The fun of baking and cooking.

Adventure.

Yoga.

Walks on autumn mornings.

His Word and the freshness that is always there....just waiting for you to find something new and heart changing.

Comfy and cozy chairs and beds.

Social media and the fun of connecting with others.

Forgiveness.

Words.

Simplifying.

Redemption.

An old stuffed bear.

Prayers.

New things.

Flowers.

Boots and sweaters.

Fuzzy socks.

Pajama pants.

Stove popped popcorn and Christmas movies.

Encouragement.

YOU.

Yes.  YOU.

My little home on the internet is made all the more wonderful and cozy because of you.  Thank you for reading and commenting and emailing... you bless and encourage my heart so.  Thank you for journeying with me and being a part of my journey.  ♥

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.  ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

Two Yellow Butterflies.

I spent the first part of my week away with the staff of my current job.

It was a wonderfully bittersweet time.  My last staff retreat.  The days are winding down fast and there will be many more lasts in the next two months.  Some I will rejoice in and some will be the hardest days of my life.

It was a great time away...I was able to enjoy some great teaching and speak with one of my favorite mentor/counselors about what this year has held.  My nights were spent staying up late with my newest and one of my dearest friends.  Girl talk ruled the night as we talked about everything from our lives to work to rating actors on a hottie scale.  

Two things have been forefront in my mind as I settle back into my routine for a little while longer.

My freedom is found in trust.  Trusting Him.  For the first time in my life I am putting complete faith in His plans for me.  As I stood in prayer over another staff member He reminded me what I had asked for this time last year...It was that I would find true freedom.  I have discovered that true freedom lies in trusting Him.  Trust is not easy for me and some days I am absolutely terrified but I know this.....He is not safe.  But He is GOOD.  So I keep moving forward...in trust.

He gives us delightful little gifts just because He loves us.  Tangible beauty that shows us He knows our hearts deeply.  We always spend time as a staff in prayer for one another at the end of the retreat.  I took a few moments to thank those who have journeyed with me over the last 6.5 years then shared my prayer request which was that I would continue to walk in faith and to trust Him.  It was such a beautiful time and it will be treasured in my heart.  As I picked up my purse and walked out the door of the place we had stayed I saw a flutter of yellow... I glanced up and there were two yellow butterflies dancing in the autumn breeze.  That moment made my heart smile.  It felt like a gift from Him saying you are on the right path just keep trusting Me.  I have great plans for you.

 

These two things give me courage to go forward...to continue to pursue the life I have imagined and have the best story He can make of this life of mine.

And when I think of those two yellow butterflies I smile and know... He loves me so.

 

Have you seen tangible beauty from Him lately?

 

(Photo source)

The Distant Dad.

(The following post is long.  I thought about splitting into two parts but decided to just leave it as one long post)

This is truthfully not a post I thought I would write.  I have often shared small parts of my story but this part?  It's one of the hardest parts of my story.  It started a few weeks ago with a movie preview and God has been working in my heart since to share it here.  My hope is that it encourages someone and let's them know they are not alone.

Many of you do not know that I have a rather distant relationship with my Dad.  It is not something I share or talk about often.  I am okay with where our relationship is...but it has taken a while for me to be okay with that.

The idea to share my story came a few weeks ago after watching a late night movie with one of my dearest friends.  One of the movie previews was for the new Christian movie, Corageous.  The movie is basically about fathers taking up the challenge the be better fathers.  Watching the preview I was overwhelmed and pain hit swiftly.

That's the thing about pain.... the hurt of some of our life wounds never truly goes away.

For the first 15 years of my life while my Dad and I were not close I had a darling Papaw who in some ways took the place of a dad.  My dad was a truck driver and was often gone. My Papaw took me to many events and stood in as my father more than once.  When my Pappy passed away the pain lingered (and truthfully still does) but I just ignored that anything was wrong or different.

There is also the fact that I am very different from my family.  I am an introvert in a family full of extroverts.  I am a inside, bookish, nerdy girl.  My family enjoys being outside, camping, and car shows just to name a few things.  

I never realized how broken my relationship was with my Dad.  I just assumed it was our differences that made us well... not close.

It's funny how you assume things are normal for so long that you just continue to believe that even though there are signs.

There is also the fact that I was a Christian and he is not.

When I started college the second time I realized how my relationship with my Dad was very different.  

In February of 2005 in one moment it became clear that he was not nor was he ever the person I thought he was.

I changed so much in those moments.  I became a very angry and unforgiving person.  I held offenses and threw verbal barbs at him.

Yes, my Dad made some horrible choices.  I also know now he is who he is.

No matter what I want I have to accept him as the person he is...not the person I think he should be.

Since 2005 God has worked BIG things out in my heart.  He has removed my anger.  He has shown me forgiveness is truly more about you than the other person.  I am such a different person from those moments until now.

That does not mean I don't wish things were different.  My Dad has no idea about what is going on in my life.  Our conversations are surface level at best and I don't talk with him often.

I have learned that I can be okay with this because I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  Who I can talk too and who knows me the very best.  

Accepting my relationship for what it is with my dad took a long time.  And even in that acceptance it still hurts at times.  

I also know now.... it's okay to feel that hurt.  It's okay to wish it was more.  It's okay to expect and want more out of the relationship.  I want the conversations and the other things that come along with a good relationship.

I know he loves me.  He shows me in his own way...through his checking to make sure my car is running well or reminding me to wash it.  

God used my relationship with my Dad to show me how to accept the people in my life as they are.  

Here is what I do know... Love is to be freely given.  It's not meant to be earned.  I can't with-hold it because I think the person should be different.  I also know giving love freely hurts.  God did not gurantee us a life of no pain.  Jesus was the most wonderful proof of love and in the end... He died for love.

I love my Dad.  Yes.  My relationship with him is distant.  There are many reasons for that but when given the opportunity I love him.  I show him with my words and actions.  At times it is hard.  At times I want to give up.  However, I will not.  Love is too important. 

Yes, some days hurt.  That's life.  

And I want to embrace my life as fully as possible...so embracing the pain and the beauty is important...so I can embrace love.

Know if you have a distant parent in your life...you are not alone and God cares.  Also know others understand.  <3

Rain Will Fall.

I have never really be a rain person before.  I understood it's need but never really saw it's beauty.

 

A few weeks ago we had an amazing storm.  The rain was falling heavily and the lightning and thunder was close.

I opened our back door and watched.  I stood with my hand out catching the rain and letting it roll down my arm.  It soon got so intense that I had to shut the door but I still stood there and watched for the longest time.

It was amazing.  The splendor of that storm.  It was beauty and fury all rolled into one event.

 

I thought about that storm for days.  

How the sky looked.

How the trees looked.

How the rain splashed onto our stoop and driveway.

How the lightning was streaking across the sky.

The sounds of the rain and the thunder.

It had never occured to me before that a storm could be anything but dangerous.

Beauty comes in the oddest places.

Including the rain.

 

Most of us don't view rain as a good thing...it interrupts plans, it causes inconvenience, for some the dreary days are not happy days.

I am learning though that into our life rain must fall.

Those hard days where nothing is easy and the bad news keeps coming.

Those days when grief overwhelms.

Those days were bitterness overcomes.

Those days when anger overtakes.

Those days when hurt is overbearing.

 

Even on those rainy days...there is beauty.  

Rain will fall.  

Grief, bitterness, anger, and hurt will prevail but He is with us on those days too.

It's always easy to see Him in the good days.  The day full of sunshine and bright blue skies.

But on those grey days with heavy rain....He is harder to see.

He is still there.

In the midst of the rain.

Loving us.  Holding Us.

Always.

We get to choose regret or rejoice.  Regret for those rainy days or rejoice in knowing we are not alone and that rain will fall...but sunshine will return.

So on those rainy days... rejoice in the knowledge He is for you.  Always.