Guest Post :: Prayer Works on Porn by Jennifer Ferguson

I'm upstairs in the study, the room tucked around our bedroom.  My husband?  He's downstairs on the couch, playing a video game with his friends online.

It's just a typical Friday night.

But, it's nearing 10:00pm and I am tired.  Why not just shut off the computer and cuddle with the pillow that beckons me to sleep after this long day?

Because, friends, it's time to pray.

 

 

For those of you who do not know this part of my story, my husband struggles with a porn addiction.  He's recovering, yes, but he still needs lots of support and help.  Me sneaking off to bed, longing for the cool sheets right now, is not an option.  It's not part of the plan, at least, not yet.

First, I must go downstairs.

I wait a few moments for him to finish up the current battle.  He tells his friends to hold on and then he takes my hands.  We bow our heads.  I pray:

Father God, I thank you that we have access to You at all times.  I thank you that You promise to be with us every moment of every day.  Lord, I pray that You would pour out your Spirit upon Craig this night. I pray that You would send a hedge of fire to protect him from temptation. I pray that in this moment, he would put on the armor You have give him in which to prepare for the real battle -- the battle for his soul.  I pray that if temptation comes his way this night when he is finished with his game that You would send Your angels to help him overcome.  I pray that you would give him the strength to simply turn off the television and come to bed.  Amen.

It's taken a long time for me to get to this point to trust in the power of prayer.  Instead of praying, I was much more into controlling.  And worrying.

I wonder, Do you ever put more trust in your feelings of control than in God?

I did.  I'd stay up late to monitor him.  I'd check his browser history after he got off his computer.  I'd ask him several times a day if he had his quiet time or read his bible or if he was struggling with temptation. 

It was an exhausting process.  On top of already nagging him and following him and micromanaging him about porn, being exhausted led to nagging him about other mundane issues simply because my filter was gone.  I had no good graces left.  

Through many years and a lot of tears and conversations, I've learned to pray instead of outwardly trying to control my husband.  But it was through this process of learning how to really pray pray for Craig that I learned something deeper -- 

I can be controlling while I'm praying.  I can take ownership of things that are not mine while I'm praying.  I can ask God to do many things and yet still cling to my own agenda while I'm praying. 

And so I've learned that prayer can be exhausting, too, if I'm not laying what I'm praying about at His feet.  Jesus tells me that His yoke is easy, His burden is light (Matthew 11:30) and while I can tell you that there is nothing light and easy about carrying around your spouse's porn addiction, I can also tell you that it was a burden I shouldn't have been carrying around in the first place.

Just as I could not physically pick up my husband and carry him around all day, I can not spiritually throw his porn addiction on my back and lug it around even if I'm praying.

"Give all your worries and your cares to God, for He cares about you."  (1 Peter 5:7)  If I pray and give only words, God will still care about me, but I have not opened up the space for God to care for me.  But if I give him the worries, the anxieties, the fear, I give Him the opportunity to give me freedom from exhaustion, from control, from feeling like I have to parent my husband.

Oftentimes, I find myself praying to get something and I forget that there is much to give in prayer.  But, oh, how He transforms my offerings into greater gifts that I could imagine.

 

 

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Jen Ferguson is founder of s(He) Listens Ministries and the facilitator for the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood.  She writes at Finding Heaven and teaches classes at her home church, St. Luke's on the Lake Episcopal.  She is passionate about building community among women and helping them grow deeper in their walks with Christ.  She is a wife to Craig and mommy to two (mostly) sweet girls.  She is a marathoner, a Words with Friends addict, and a new coffee drinker!

 

Comments

[Jen Ferguson]

Susan, thank you so much for your prayers and your encouragement to me and my husband.

[Jen Ferguson]

Thank you so much for reading, Kimby. Praying for us all to reach true surrender in our prayer lives.

[Susan Stilwell]

Hi Jen,

I hopped over from your site to read the rest of the story. I didn't realize you and your husband were fighting this battle. What a great testimony of trust and total dependence on your Father to work on behalf. I can identify with the need to control, and I'm rejoicing in the strength you've found in Him.

Blessings to you and Craig, and continued prayers for deliverance.
Susan

[Kimby]

This was a powerful guest post and one that has me evaluating my prayers. Thank you so much.

[Jen Ferguson]

I am so thankful, everyday, for how He lets us grow in our ability to trust!

[Jan Johnson]

"I can be controlling while I'm praying

Wow, you're right, Jen! Isn't it frustrating how the human heart is so deceitful? And yet, our Lord knows how we are made, and He leads us to grow in trust. THANK YOU for this post!

[Jen Ferguson]

I need to read that book! Jan Johnson donated it as a door prize for my class -- I'll have to see if the winner is done with it!

[Jen Ferguson]

It's never easy to share, but since Craig and I are writing a book about it, we find it gets a little easier each time.

[Jen Ferguson]

It is one of my biggest prayers that God will use our story to bring people closer to Him. I desperately do not want women to feel alone and I dearly want men to find redemption and wholeness in Jesus.

[Jen Ferguson]

Thank you, Gaby. Do you know? You are such an inspiration to me. Almost each week after I teach my class, I think of the guest post you wrote for me!

[Vicki]

hi jen, while i read this i was hurting and getting exhausted with you. you are such a good wife. really. how much you love your husband. we kind of had this issue in our house some years back. while i was reading your post a book came to my mind and i didn't know if you had heard of it or not. it was an eye-popping-opener for me. my husband read it too and he says yes, that is exactly how it is and it's a daily struggle (the book is about how men think about the opposite sex, it's like getting into their brain). it really helped me to understand my husband and all men in general better. and i have boys too so i really will know what to expect as they get older. here is a link to the book site. thanks for writing about something so hard and personal. i love your transparency and you !

http://shaunti.com/BooksStudies/ForWomenOnly/tabid/137/Default.aspx

[r.elliott]

How wonderful that you husband allows you to share this story...Lord bless him for allowing you to redeem where he fell to lift others up.
and yes...prayer...how it can be used as a tool of manipulation...when I saw this in myself...it was terrible...but praise be to God whose grace teaches us another way.
thanks for sharing...blessings to you and you husband~

[Lorimcspeaks]

wow, Jen. I am so proud of you for sharing this. The thing that stood out to me was the obvious love you both share. The love and humility he must have in accepting your prayers, and the love and resolve you must have to continue in prayer. I think this is tearing more couples apart than anyone realizes. You being obedient in speaking light to darkness? Well, that is going to change lives, friend :)

[Gaby]

This "Oftentimes, I find myself praying to get something and I forget that there is much to give in prayer." I love. You're right: we pray to get but in praying we are pouring out control, worry, and pain. Jesus said "give" me your burdens and then you can "take" mine.

Beautiful, friend.

[Jen Ferguson]

It's crazy to think that we can do that in prayer, and yet, all the time, I try to manipulate outcomes my the words I speak to God. I treasure the fact that He loves us all to much to be manipulated by us!

[Jen Ferguson]

If you ever need to talk, please, let's do. It can be such a lonely struggle. My email is jenfergie2000@me.com

[kd sullivan]

I am so encouraged by the transparency here. I have been there friend. Manipulative in prayer. Even to the point where I thought I could control another's choices with prayer. You are strong and courageous and most importantly tender toward God. He is teaching you to pray, and that is a wonderful place to be!

[HisFireFly]

Been in the same struggle Jennifer and at times can still feel myself wanted to wrestle control right out of God's hands and into my own.

I have to daily surrender my husband to His care trusting that He has ways much higher than mine and that His healing will far exceed anything I can imagine.

[Jen Ferguson]

It's hard to really take in Jesus' words when faced with such brutal hardship -- "light and easy?" I'm learning that it is all about perspective shift -- not fighting against His Will but against the enemy who seeks to destroy me with the evil in this world.

[Jen Ferguson]

This is what the book is about, too. It helps to be writing about it -- it can be such an embarrassing thing. But I don't want women to feel as though they have to struggle alone.

[Melanie Dorsey]

"I can be controlling while I'm praying. I can take ownership of things that are not mine while I'm praying. I can ask God to do many things and yet still cling to my own agenda while I'm praying."

This part resonated with me very deeply. Different scenario: When I was praying, praying, pleading, pleading...(repeat over and again) for Andrew to be healed of cancer and live...it was EXHAUSTING. And somehow I couldn't explain to people how I felt I was about to have a nervous breakdown over praying so intently for my son.
Thanks for writing this.

[kendal]

somehow i missed this part of yoru story or read it so long ago i don't connect it with you anymore. so glad you shared. and this letting go? this not controling whatever "it" is? so hard. and so right.