An Angry Silence.

Confession:  I haven't talked to God in a week.

Well unless I count those many, many journal pages of scribbled writing full of some many emotions.

It didn't start intentionally but it's what I do when I am angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused.

My heart was so full of questions I felt as if nothing else could fit.

I withdrew.  (and yes...I also avoid at times.)

I retreated into myself and became quiet.

It's one reason why the blog has been quiet.

I'm going to be honest and say I don't feel bad about not talking to God.

It's how I needed to deal with things for a while.

Here is what I do know. 

If I cannot be my true self with God I cannot be my true self with anyone else in my life.

To be angry at Him....is okay.

To not talk to Him a few days to get a few things straight within myself.... is okay.

I have to be willing to let Him work and I wasn't there yet.

I needed the silence.

I had to have to time to sort out how I was really feeling and not what I should have been feeling.

God wants us to trust Him.

That means complete and utter honesty in all things.

Even in angry silence.

Even more amazing....He. Understands.

He knows my need for silence and time to myself.

I think He even understands our pity parties at times.

It's how we process... it's how we feel those emotions we need to feel...and then we get to move forward.

I am learning...truly learning... God accepts us just as we are.  He accepts that angry silence for a few days to give us a chance to withdraw and just be...well...emotional.

For so long I have let my relationship with God be what others told me it would be.

This angry silence is a freedom for me.

A freedom in trusting that He accepts every single part of me.... even the part of me that is angry at Him and needed to be quiet...just for a bit.

The silence was broken in the beauty of a drive on a curvy road in silence and with the quiet whispers of my heart.  I didn't say much but my heart is open.

The questions remain.  So does the hurt, frustration, anger, and confusion.  My heart feels very messy and very raw.

However...my heart is also ready for what He has planned because I trust Him and His love.

And that's enough.

 

Joining Jen and the SDG sisters today.

Comments

[Isunji]

You know I of all people can relate to this one. Change "a few days" to "a few months" and you have where I have been for a while... You are so right about it being okay to go through our process and about honesty with God and ourselves. This whole post is just good. I agree with K: good for you for fighting for you freedom in Christ and for not allowing anyone else to define Your relationship with Him. That is braver than you know. It's certainly an adventure if I've ever seen one! ;o)

[Cate]

That's wisdom Christy. You're so spot on! Bless you hon.

[Erin]

Love this! Yes, a ready heart IS enough! A freshly rolled ball of clay. A blank canvas. An empty glass.

Thank you so, so much for your sweet and encouraging words on Jen's blog today. They meant so much to me. Sometimes I worry and doubt.

I say forget a conference, we should all just plan a weekend. Wouldn't that be a total blast? I wouldn't say no to a conference, but I would totally just up and plan something, too! :)

[Katie]

I love this article. Kudos.

[K.]

My article for you is on something so similar to this!

Sugar coating before God never gets us anywhere, but gritty honesty? The kind that even says "I cannot talk to you right now." THAT is a life that reads like the Psalms.

Glorious and sweeping and then raw and messy.

I love many things about you but I think what I love most of all is your fight for the freedom meant for you. It is HARD but sweet Christymas, it. will. be. worth. it.

Romans 15:13 - my constant prayer for you. Because on the days you cannot find the words? I hope those are the days I (& your peeps) step up & speak some for you to the God we love.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

LYM&T. Truly truly.

♥

[Natalie at Mommy on Fire]

Oh, girl. Yes. I've SO been right here. I've gone through periods where I just flat-out refuse to talk to Him for weeks and yet, I drown in His grace every time. He's there. He knows. You don't even have to tell Him. And as a mother, I know that my children are sometimes angry with me and won't talk to me yet I still love them unfathomably much and know what is best for the them in the long-run. He's the same. Praying for you and loving your authentic heart, sweet Christy.

[Elizabeth]

Been there and I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Becky]

Beautiful. Spoke right to my heart. I'm sure He has been holding you all the while.