Real meaning I finally let her in just a smidge.
By the end she suggested I come visit her over Spring Break and work through some more things. (she lives in another state)
Did I go? I knew she would delve deeply and ask some hard things and I would have to talk.
Talking meant feeling.
It also meant accepting my life as it was.
The thing about being numb is that you don't have to accept anything... and it had been nice not accepting the truth.
So I went to see her during Spring Break. Along with her and another counselor I spent some time digging deep. It was terrifying and one of hte hardest things I have done in my life. I cried so hard and so long I physically hurt.
By the end I had beautiful words spoken over me and I had at least acknowledged some truths.
Abuse.
Lack of trust.
Co-dependency.
Accepting lies as truth.
Anger, lies, manipulation.
Realizing I had built my own world in my mind and for years had thought it was perfect. It was...because it was not real.
After that spring break I took months work through what I had heard and began to slowly accept some of it.
Near the end of the year I realized I needed more help. Weekly help in the form of a counselor.
While I had accepted some things....the pain was intense and I was unsure of what to do with it. I knew I needed to feel it and to find a way to move forward.
I realize now I was probably depressed.
I let myself feel and now it was time to figure out what was next.
As a counselor I was pretty picky about criteria for a counselor. I really wanted a woman.
Unfortunately living in a small town it's not like there were a lot of choices.
I finally decided to go one time to see G. So in early 2010 I made an appointment.
Truthfully I went into the whole thing with a bad attitude. It was not what I wanted and I was ticked.
My first session with G lasted for over two hours. I told my story in halting details and with a lot of tears.
At the end it was what I needed.
A gift. God had given me a gift...it was not what I wanted but He had given me what I needed most.
I met with G weekly.... and even better not only did he listen and help me see how to move forward he also used my gifts to help me work through some things. My creativity became even more apart of who I was.
Soon it became bi-weekly and then as needed.
The brokenness had become numbness and then pain... and now I was on my way to something more....
I love you. I love that you write and why you write. You are special, Christy. I have been through similar devastation in my life. Some day we will Skype over cocoa and swap stories. Then you can teach me about Twitter. I swear it makes no sense to me. You are adored. I look forward to more. Your friend...
Posted by: Tracy | Wednesday, May 02, 2012 at 11:18 PM