The Brokenness :: Part 1.

(For the last two weeks it has been heavy on my heart to write this story... a huge part of my story.  I am not sure how many days it will be but this is the beginning...)

In 2005 I experienced one of the highlights of my life and the lowest point of my life.

Sadly that one thing colored my whole year... and often we jokingly call it my year of hell because it was and is still the hardest year I have ever had in my life.

One February evening in my dorm I had watched a show with one of my best friends, A, and she had left to go practice for intramurals.  

The phone rang and it said home....picking it up it was not my Mum but my aunt.

My Mum had found out some devastating new and they just wanted me to know...

My Dad had been having an affair for many years.  (this was the tip of the iceberg but not what this story is about so I will only be sharing this detail)

In moments the life I thought I knew came crashing down before me.

I am a private person so I only felt comfortable calling a 2 people.  My best friends A and B.  (yes...together we were A, B, C!)  B was in town doing ministry so I left a message and A came back immediately to my room.

I told her in halting sentences and then we sat in silence where she just played with my hair and I tried to absorb what was going on.

For several days I sat on the couch in our small dorm watching television, not sleeping, and not eating.  Talking to my Mom every chance I could.  

A and B sat with me, if I even mentioned something might taste good they would go find it.  Most often they just sat quietly with me (playing with my hair....not sure why I find it comforting but I do) and just being a constant in my life.

My RD (resident director) at the time was a darling lady who came to check on me every day and one day brought a miniature rose plant because I needed a small reminder of beauty in my world.

I met my Mom halfway between school and home that Saturday and we talked and she made sure I stayed in school.  It was hard.

I was so broken.

As the week progressed and more came out I realized how much of the life I thought of as mine was really....

a lie.

I cried.  I raged.  

It was just so much to take in.

It was as if I had been shattered into a thousand pieces and I had no idea how to even move from that point.

I was a mess.

Yet I continued.  It was 3 months until graduation.  I was almost finished with college.  I could do it.  

Graduation finally came and it was not the day I wanted. For years I would resent that the day I had worked so hard to achieve was one filled with utter disappointment and hurt. Filled with more lies and tension.... I just wanted it to be over. 

Then it was.

And all that was left was the numbness.

Comments

[katharine]

I walk in a similar story, and I know how hard the telling can be. My SDG post is about telling our stories... it's important, Thank you for being brave!

[Victoria]

Nothing like the infidelity to really make one question every moment. The number one answer I get when I question life before everything came out--God is faithful!!!

Your sharing of this story is going to bring people to the healing God holds for them. Well done, sister!

[Deidra M]

How brave of you to share. I have a similar background - found out about 5 months before I graduated from college that my father had lived a double life. He had been involved in homosexual affairs for years and was dying of AIDS. It was difficult and painful but God helped me forgive the betrayal I felt. Ultimately, we were reconciled and He found Christ before he died.

Thanks again for sharing your story. It helps others - sometimes more than you know.

[K]

Your sharing this is BRAVE and encouraging to so many. I pray for you often about all of this & the wounds that I know must flare up & linger. I'm awed at your sharing & it makes me want to testify of God's faithfulness through my own brokenness...

[Kristine]

Dear, this hit a memory. Hard. Its amazing how close a high point can be to a low point.

[Deborah]

Wow! My heart is breaking for you. Praying as you write the rest of the story, knowing that someone...me!...needs to hear this so that they can continue through the journey they are on.