My Silent Heart.

(I wrote this two weeks ago.  It was stirring so deeply in me that I had to write it. I did not like what came out when I finished.  But I definitely need to explore it and well....I promised to be transparent on this bloggy so here goes.  I have pulled this twice...but today...I go with the brave part of me)

 

 

I have been thinking a lot about how silent my heart is sometimes.

How when my heart is silent....it is not good.

One big thing I have learned this year is that my heart has dark crevices.  Places lies and secrets like to hide. Those places are Satan's favorite.  He knows how scared I am for God to come into those places.  He knows I am ashamed. Fearful.  Those secrets and lies are so deep.  So hidden....God's light comes close but I bury them a little deeper...

To truly heal I believe God's light has to shine on those lies and secrets our hearts hold.  Even more I think we have to speak those secrets and lies out.  To tell someone else.  When we do that....we admit they have a hold on us...and we admit we want to let them go.  

In many ways I was so embarrassed earlier this year when I started seeing a counselor. I was the person everyone thought had it together. Yet so many lies and secrets were in my heart there was no room for anything else. After my first session I had to write what I wanted. I ended up sharing it here.  It was a new moment for me. To speak into existence what I wanted.  

What I needed.

I have put off calling my counselor for over a week now.  Because I know I need to talk about some things.

Especially about grief.

My heart it has been silent.

And I need to let it start speaking again.

I don't want to be the Christy of old.

I want to be the new Christy.

The brave Christy.

The Christy who knows that those secrets are lies are not worth hiding from the One who loves me the most.

Now for that first step.

 

(and I did take that step last week.  Now to just keep moving forward.)

 

Comments

[Manda]

You are SO right... and I completely get this. Feeling shackled in shame for the darkness that dwells in my heart. The beauty is knowing that God is well aware and loves me just the same.

[Amy]

I echo the comments before this, dear. Thank you for your transparency and may you take it one step at a time.

Blessings,
Amy

http://worshipwhileiwait.blogspot.com
http://gracefull-living.blogspot.com

[Jen Ferguson]

I have been consumed with my kids and my work that I haven't had a lot of time to read blogs this week. However, as I sat down to write one of my own entries, I saw your newest post and came to read.

I just want you to know how powerful your words are. Not only are you willing to expose the dark crevices to God's sweet light, but you are doing it a public way, therefore calling all of us to look within and and do the same. Just imagine the impact for God's glory! The less darkness that remains on this earth, the more room for His light, in each of us.

[Erin]

God is up to something wonderful in your life. As I read this; "One big thing I have learned this year is that my heart has dark crevices. Places lies and secrets like to hide. Those places are Satan's favorite. He knows how scared I am for God to come into those places. He knows I am ashamed. Fearful. Those secrets and lies are so deep. So hidden....God's light comes close but I bury them a little deeper..." I am reminded of Psalm 139 and that He knows your innermost being, your frame is not hidden from Him- and He loves you. I am praying for you to be released from the lies the enemy is telling you. I have a short devotion to share with you, I hope it blesses you. It’s a book called “His Princess; Love Letters from Your King”, by Sheri Rose Shepherd. It’s about confessing your sin to God. I read this last night and when I read your post this morning it reminded me of this devotion. I feel like I should preface this with saying I’m not suggesting you’re in sin, but the confession of anything to God is so powerful- I pray that you hear my heart in sharing this.

My Princess…Confess Your Sin to Me

“I love it when you come to me to confess your sin. I am your safe place and your salvation. My child, there is nothing you can tell me that I can’t handle hearing. I already know your every thought, action, and motive, so why waste even a moment trying to hide any sin from me? Let’s make it right together. Let me have the thing that’s holding you back from the blessed life you desire to live. I am always ready to restore your soul to a place of peace and make you white as snow. Please come to me in truth and be transparent with your Savior- the Lover of your soul. Let’s talk together, and let me take the weight of your sin. Come to me in confession and I will wash you clean, and your mind, body, and spirit will know my total healing. Love, your King and Savior who died for you!”

Thanks also for your sweet comments on my blog yesterday. I’d been taking a break to get some priorities straight in life and also to make the transition back to the school year for the kids. Praying for you sweet girl…

[Christy I]

Oh deary, you are so brave... Thank you for encouraging me to keep it real and honest! I will be praying for you...

[kara]

Beautiful bravery. Thank you for sharing, for keeping it real on your blog. It encourages me to do the same.

[Isunji]

Thanks for sharing this. I am the same way. I also have the beginnings of many blog posts started, but not yet shared; your courage inspires me. :o)

[Joanne Sher]

Oh, sweet Christy. Proud of you for sharing, AND taking that step. Praying you through, dearest.

[K.]

This is so beautiful. I'm so proud of you for recognizing this need to un-silence these secrets.

Your whole journey is one of becoming. And it is so spectacular to watch unfold.