Critty Joy

2010 :: The Year of Hope

 

For a while I really thought my word for 2010 was Love.  I had convinced myself that was going to be it.  The more I thought about it and tried to share my thoughts on my word...it just would come together in my head...or my heart.

One very simple verse was constantly on my mind.  It's such a simple verse and I was not sure why I was constantly thinking of it.

As I sought my answers with our God in my quite time...I realized I still had my hope in Him...but had no hope in anything else.  Hope should be an integral part of our lives.  Not only our hope in Christ but our hope in other things too.  Sometimes in things we do not see...or touch...or hear...

A once optimistic, cheerful girl had turned into a pessimistic gloomy Eyeore.

I began to use words like if and not when.  I constantly second guessed things...and I stopped dreaming and wishing....I knew none of it would come true anyway so why waste the energy I thought.

Yet I continued as always...not letting anyone really know inside everything felt hopeless....and I longed, oh how I longed for Home.  I wanted away from this awful world.

I was using Home as an excuse.  I didn't want to think about the outlook on things I had lost.  

So with that verse and a few songs where the words pierced my heart so deeply I could not help but get emotional....I realized God wanted me to Hope again.  

To deepen my hope in Him....and to hope in this life too.  

To be patient in hope.

To wait in hope.

To rejoice in hope.

To dream and hope.

To see the good in things instead of the bad...

to hope in situations where I must have faith.  Faith and hope....they work together and I have been missing an integral part for the last few months.

For 2010....I am going to journey in hope.  I cannot wait to see what God teaches me!

I hope you will journey along with me.

 
 

A Baby Born.

I remember after watching the movie, The Nativity Story, thinking a lot more about Mary and Joseph and what their life might have been like.  I always thought of Mary...how strange, scared, and wondrous she must have felt.  And sometimes I though of Joseph and how strange, scared, and uncomfortable he must have felt.  I was confronted with the idea of how hard it was after watching the movie.  The pain Mary must have felt when her family and Joseph did not believe her...her community did not believe her.  I imagine she felt a little crazy and even began to doubt her own story.  The doubts that must have assailed Joseph when he found that his intended was pregnant and saying it was from God.  

I am reading a book right now that talks a great deal about how we need to focus more on the "dark side" of the Christmas story.  I struggled with this idea...a lot.  The author talks of how we need to see the darker side to the whole story of Christ.  The pain, the suffering...

A baby born to die.  

I cannot help but think that while yes that is true...Jesus was also a baby born to live.  

A birth, A death, a Resurrection.  

Without one you cannot have the other. They all depend on one another.  I imagine that while Jesus was alive He was not focusing on His death.  Yes He knew it was to come but if He had focused on that none of the other wonderful things would have happened while He was alive...the healings, the teachings, all that He did in His 33 years here.

I understand the pain, the sadness, and the suffering that Mary and Joseph suffered to bring baby Jesus into this world.  I am forever grateful that they chose to do what they were called to do.  I know the beginning of the life of our Savior was not easy...just as his last moments were not.  I am so thankful He did all that He did....the way He was born to the way He died to the way He came back...resurrected.

But in this season I cannot help but choose Joy.  To chose to rejoice in the birth of a little boy in a dirty manger to two people who were as scared and confused as any first time parents.

I imagine the first moment they heard Him cry there was no focus on the future or the past...just an overwhelming Joy of a moment.  A baby born.  A miracle.  Life.  Love.

So while the story of Christmas is fraught with pain, jealousy, suffering, and evil... 

I choose to celebrate the Joy. The Love. The miracle.  The life.

An incomparable, inconceivable gift from our Father...to the whole world.

 
 

Gratitude

  

I adore Thanksgiving.  It's the only day I know of where the day is truly about one thing...the people who surround you.  There is nothing really to celebrate...no gifts to open, no eggs to hunt, no cards to exchange....nothing to think of but your family and friends...and the blessings our God has bestowed upon us...over and over.

Gratitude. 

I am so very thankful for the people that surround me.

I am so very thankful for our Father God and His precious Son, Jesus, and the One who guides us, the Holy Spirit.

I am so very thankful for YOU dear Peaches.  I never would have thought I would have regular readers and commenters on this bloggy.  When I started it to say no one was reading would be an understatement!  Our God has so blessed me with friendships, bloggy friends as I like to call you, from this my little home on the web.  Know that I am so very thankful for you....YOU bless me by reading and commenting and just Loving me...jumbled mess and all!

I hope that your Thanksgiving is full of all the wonderfulness of family and friends and love and laughter....and Gratitude.

So Blessed,

 
 

 

A Jumbled Mess

If I am going to be completely honest with you....the title of this post says it all.  That is what I have been feeling like lately.

 If you had told me at the beginning of this year the directions my life would take I would have laughed.  And then....laughed some more.

I have experienced spectacular moments, happy moments, sweet moments, laughter filled moments, confusing moments, unsure moments, frustrated moments, scared moments, and moments in which I wished for a different life.

This year has been painful.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.

And I feel like a jumbled mess most days.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster wondering when the next big climb is.  Of course, I hate roller coasters.  Some people love the ups and downs and unexpected turns.  I am not one of those people.  Give me a schedule and a plan and I am a happy girl.

This year has been one of the most uncomfortable in my life.  He stretched me and broke me in places that are still hurting.

But in brokenness there is beauty.

In a jumbled mess there is beauty.

I am slowly learning that with Christ...even the hard things, the pain, the brokenness, the jumbled mess some how bring beauty.

So I remain a beautiful jumbled mess.

(achoo!)

His,

 
 

I am the Girl that.....

{I wrote this post 6 months ago.}

 loves being single.

hates being single.

wants to change the world.

wants to hide from the world.

pretends everything is okay.

gets hurt easily by words and actions of others.

wants to meet the man of her dreams.

is afraid of meeting the man of her dreams.

wants to be a better photographer.

wants to be a better writer.

wants to be bold.

is shy.

love to give affirmations and encouragement.

desires to be affirmed and encouraged.

knows she is Loved by her Abba Daddy

wonders if she is liked by her Abba Daddy.

wants to travel the world.

afraid to take the steps to make things happen.

has no idea what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

has really great days.

has really stinky, hide under the covers days.

wishes things were different.

wishes things would stay the same.

 
 

{is content with who God has made her to be....who she is...even on those hide under the cover days}

 
 

Butterfly

 
I have loved butterflies since high school.  For a long time my love for them was about how beautiful they were and the freedom they represented.  They also held memories of my Granny.  My love of butterflies came from her.  

My love of them changed several years ago when the campus Pastor of the college I was attending said something so profound one day in chapel.

  

I immediately wrote the quote down and promptly forgot about it.  In reality I just did not want to think about that.

It's odd enough that a caterpillar, which is not the loveliest of creatures, becomes something so beautiful.  To think that while the caterpillar transforms from something less than beautiful to a gorgeous butterfly it has a time of suffering.  

If you read about the transformation you learn that the caterpillar slowly becomes the chrysalis.  Once the chrysalis is formed it can take anywhere from 2 weeks to months to transform into a butterfly.

The more I thought about the quote and the transformation the more I realized how much like a butterfly I am.  I spent part of my life as a caterpillar, not particularly beautiful and just plodding along.  Along the way Christ found me.  He was not content with leaving me as a caterpillar.  So a chrysalis I became.  I cannot help but think this is where I still am at times.  He is working in me.  He is transforming me from the inside out.  It takes time.  It hurts.  It's hard.

And yet I keep thinking about the end result.  The Butterfly.

The beauty.  The freedom.

Only from Him can those things come.

And I cannot wait to break out of my chrysalis and show all just how beautiful I am....because of Him.

 

 

So Loved.

A few months ago I saw these posy pins in the incourage store. 

The three sayings resonated so deeply in me.  But one.  One has stayed with me from the time I saw them.

So Loved.

One of my biggest insecurities is not feeling loved.  I wonder at times if why I am still single is that I am not loved....or if someone does not have time for me I wonder if they really love me...or even like me.

It is probably my insecurity that has been with me the longest.

And is the easiest for Satan to attack.

I know there are plenty of reasons in my past for me to feel that way.  Of course for a long time I was not prepared to face the fact that my past was controlling my present.

 For a long time I just coped with the feelings.  I would push them down and try to ignore them.  They kept getting stronger and stronger....One day last year I had a private break down.  No one was home and it just all came crashing down.  As I laid on the floor, curled into a ball, sobbing I was sure my world would never be the same.  

It was also the day I knew I had to make a choice.  I could continue as I was or I could change this.

As I look back over this past year I realized this was the beginning of the journey.

I also realized that not accepting the love that He had given me, sacrificed for me...that was worse than denying Him for who He was.  I knew who He was I just chose not to accept what He constantly tells us in His Word.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:10

It was not enough for me to love Him.  I had to accept His Love of me.

Just as I was.  Just as I am.  Just as I am going to be.

Because He loved me first.

I am continually amazed at what has taken place in my heart in the last 12 months.  Of course I shouldn't be because it is God we are talking about here!  

Still.  I sometimes struggle...but I am taking it one step at a time on this journey.  And my journey is far from being over.

Most days the truth resonates to the very depths of my soul...

I am so loved.

 
 

Deep Clean

The other morning I was taking a shower and happened to glance at the new face wash I am using.  The name of the face wash made me think about how sometimes God does a deep clean of my heart.

I am in a season of deep cleaning right now.  To be honest it is not one of my favorite seasons.  God is asking me to let go of some people I love.  He is also asking me to trust Him more.  He is making me question some of the things I want/need in my life.  Lastly, He is calling me to a higher standard in some areas.

The thing about deep cleaning is that sometimes the ugly stuff comes out.  I mean the really ugly stuff.  I hate seeing my sin and my disobedience in His Light.  

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:13-14

It hurts.  It makes me ashamed.  It makes me cringe.  Yet once I see the ugly stuff I realize it is something I need and want to get rid off.  Once it is in the light you cannot help but see it for what it truly is.  We then get the choice to store it back in our heart or throw it into the junk pile and get rid of it.

The hardest thing for me to deep clean are my hopes and dreams.  Things I have been wanting for a long time.  He wants me to place some things in His Hands.  He wants me to trust Him instead of burying it deep in my heart.  So deep that it really hurts when you start bringing it forth.

As hard as this season is I am also looking forward to the next season that comes along...my heart will be cleaner and be able to hold even more of Him.  It reminds me of the dreaded deep cleaning of your home.  You dread doing it.  Even though you know that when you finish it is going to look amazing and you will be so satisfied!    Once you take that leap and start cleaning you realize how good it is, not only for you, but for the house.  How much better is it for God to deep clean out heart!

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9

So Loved,

 
 

Friends and Cookies and Discoveries

As you are reading this I will be sitting in a massage chair next to one of my best friends.  We are having a girl day and of course that means...pedicures!  My tootsies can not wait!

My sweet friend A is 9 months pregnant and due in early November.  So it is a last pampering day before sweet K is here!  I am so excited to spend the day with her and just talk.  One of my favorite things about my friendship with A is that we pick up where we left off.  No why haven't you called or you must to busy for me....just good conversation and fun.  

God and I have been reevaluating my friendships lately.  It is hard!  I am not a fan of change and this is requiring some major changes on my part.  Letting some people go is difficult for me to handle.  

The more I look at my friendships the more I realize how the ones I treasure the most are the ones in which we just pick up where we left off.  We may not talk every day or even at times every week but we still have this amazing bond.

Of course as I have been doing this reevaluating and soul searching I found some quotes that of course made me think....and one made me smile!

Okay, first, how FUN is this quote.  It is so true though :)  Imagine a chocolate chip cookie without the best part...the chocolate chips!  It just would not be as good....or as sweet. Friends bring goodness and sweetness into our lives.

The second quote I found fit perfectly into this journey I am on with the friendships in my life.

 

This is exactly what A and I were talking about a few weeks ago!   I love this quote.  A and I can grow but that does not mean we grow apart.  I think our friendship has gotten even sweeter since we graduated from college.  Now she is entering a new phase of life, as a Mommy, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me, her, and our friendship!  

I love that God made us so unique...and we gather those around us that are similar and some that are the opposite of us and we call them Friends.  They challenge us, they listen, they cry and laugh with us...they make life on this earth a little sweeter.

 
 

 

The Struggle of Insecurity.

Something that probably does not often come across in my writings is something I struggle with....alot.  Everything really came to a head earlier this year after discovering some things I had long kept buried.

In fact I rarely talk about it and until two weeks ago had not shared how much of a problem it really was for me.

Sitting around the table with 5 of my coworkers and Bob I opened up and shared what a stronghold it was for me.  

Most often I am a quiet struggler.  I don't let people in.  I just sink inward.  It was time to tell others about my struggle.  It was time to deal with this outwardly.

My insecurities had been on my mind a great deal over the last two weeks after I shared my deep secret and pain.  I have been at a point where I was not sure where to go....

Yesterday as I was reading in my google reader I started reading Rachel's post entitled Red.

It was as if she looked into my heart.  She understood too. 

I worry constantly about doing a good job.  If I am good enough.  If someone could do things better than I could.  Oh the list is endless.  Part of my insecurities are also tied up in my singleness. 

At times I have fooled myself.  I think I am seeking the approval of God but in reality I am seeking the approval of others.  

I spent most of my night looking through the Life Today archives to find the Beth Moore series on insecurities that Rachel wrote about.  (If you want to know where t g you can find them go here and scroll down!)

I think listening to these teachings is a first step for me.  After two weeks of praying and wondering what to do.  My next step will be seeing a counselor.  Someone I don't know.  Someone that will push me and not let me be comfortable with where I am.  Because honestly I can get quite comfortable in my struggles and just stay there.

Rachel's post gave me the courage to tell you about my struggle.

And if this is your struggle.  Know that there are people that are walking in that struggle too at this very moment.  They know.  They care.

As I walk through this I am going to remember the color Red.  And how it makes me beautiful.  I am looking forward to this journey with my Abba Daddy.  I have learned that in the struggles and hurts and pain I learn how to love Him even more.

So Loved,